Toilet Tennis

Once while out with a group of girls, as the designated driver, I was able to discover one of the greatest secrets of the universe. That night the true reason why women take longer in the toilet than men was revealed to me, and also the related reason of why they go to the toilet in pairs.

In this perfect storm of a situation they were willing just for the night to reveal the utter truth of the situation, something that they have never done to a man who is sober. All I can imagine is that that night – they were really drunk.*

The answer is, of course, that they play tennis – in the cubicles. And as we know there is a common tendency of women to go to the toilet at the same time. This is because they have a match lined up and ready to go.

The exact rules are not widely known among men-folk but generally involve lofting the spare toilet roll over the tops of the cubicles. Games can take upwards of twenty minutes and this is the main reason that these things take so long. Toilet-tennis is rapidly being banned in chic establishments as it has been widely linked to the emergence of male homophobia. Male homophobia it is widely agreed is far more common than that among women. This is due to men’s inability to play toilet tennis.

Many years ago when toilets were coming into fashion, toilet tennis was invented. Both men and women played at first. But more often than not the men would find that the spare roll that they were using would fall into the urinal or bowl that was less guarded because they weren’t sitting down. Although most men didn’t care about the roll getting soggy, and just scratched the game, men couples leaving the toilets soon came to be scorned.

People who sat near men couples soon noticed the smell of urine on their trousers and so began a dislike among society of men going to the toilet together. To make matters good and equal opportunities a lot of chic restaurants, as I say, are banning tennis altogether rather than letting men sit in their restaurants covered in piss.

*Actually to get back from the pub to where the car was parked I had to take this merry band across a field which had cows in it. The part of the field we had to walk across was about a normal persons’ one minute walk in a straight line. And in that time two of them “got lost” and wandered into the middle of the cows. That’s how drunk they were. I can still vividly remember now trying to herd the ladies to one corner of the field after one of them declared that she would only answer to me shouting “Moo”.

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The Bartender says, “Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The man replies, “I don’t know but its driving me nuts”.

Only one person has ever died on the Waterloo and City line

This is the true story of the only person to have ever died on the Waterloo and City underground line. This might be because it’s the shortest line which probably means that if you fall ill there would be time to take you off of the train in time. And also because each end of the line results in a terminus there is no real speed for the trains and so you wouldn’t be very successful if you flung yourself in front of one.

But one man has done it. He succeeded where others had failed. He managed to kill himself on the Waterloo and City line. The way that this occurred was that he was drunk and on his way home from some serious revelling in the City. And mid journey he decided that he needed a pee. Now he must have been really desperate because the journey is frankly not very long. And clearly he was, but being British he didn’t feel he could just pee on the train that wouldn’t be very polite. So he opened the door between the carriages and stepped out. Amazingly he wasn’t killed by this simple act, so perched on the small interconnecting strip between the carriages he started to relieve himself. But clearly he didn’t do so for very long because he managed to create a simple electrical circuit between himself and the live rail and was instantly killed. It is not recorded which of the trains he was on, Walter, Lou, Anne or Kitty* but surely none of them can be blamed.

*No, really!

You may have seen a cakewalk, but have you seen plenty of this (9)

[Note: This is part one of a four part Christmas story which I usually write in the week running up to Christmas. But as I’m now only doing fiction on Fridays I figured we’d just have to start now. Yes Christmas does really seem to be getting earlier. Anyway happy Spidermass everybody.]

Jenny was looking out of the window and it was definitely snowing. Jenny had told her mother that the news report had said to not make any unnecessary journeys and that it was definitely snowing but Jenny’s mum didn’t think it was true.

“But that’s what they always say when it gets the slightest bit cold. ‘Avoid unnecessary journeys’ like your life should revolve around something as random as the weather. And anyway,” she said clearing things up, “it’s not even snowing”.

But it definitely was snowing, and Jenny wasn’t sure how well her mother would take it. Jenny knew that her mother had to go to work and that they all thought like her that a bit of weather shouldn’t stop her from getting in to work. But what about school. Somebody at school had been saying that if it snowed then they would close the school. Jenny thought about this for a while because mentioning it now if the school was open might just make it seem like she wasn’t cooperating. She had been the one to bring up the snow in the first place. And it wasn’t as if she didn’t want to go to school either, she liked school – it just seemed that none of the people at school liked her. She was just worried about what her mother would say to her after they’d driven their in the snow and found that it was closed. Especially if she somehow found out then that she’d known all along that it was a possibility.

But before she could think anymore about this Jenny heard the light scrape of keys against the post at the bottom of the stairs that meant that her mum was leaving. Jenny hopped off of her seat, picked up her satchel and headed for the door. She knew better than to dawdle, the alarm would be on within seconds, it was definitely time to go.

They got in the car and drove. Jenny wanted to listen to a special cd that she’d selected. Her mum did not, she wanted to listen to the news. They sat like normal not talking. The thing that Jenny liked when there was music on was that you were kind of allowed to talk. But if there were people talking on the news then you weren’t really allowed to talk.

As they drove the snow was falling thicker and more thickly. And they were driving more and more slowly until finally they simply stopped. It was not for want of trying but something had happened in the engine and it wasn’t going to go anymore.

“What are we going to do? Nobody ever drives along here.” Jenny’s mum said rather presumptuously. Jenny wanted to say that it couldn’t possibly be that they kept the whole road open only for them but she had to admit that she had never seen any other car drive down this road.

They sat for a while until the battery stopped working and the radio died. It was suddenly colder the moment the fans stopped blowing hot air in their faces. Jenny already had her coat on which was lucky because when she wasn’t wearing it, it lived in the boot. And she would have been very cold if she’d had to go out to get it. Her mother calmly picked up her coat from the back seat. And then rather uncalmly tried to put it on without standing up. But when her mother had picked up her coat something had caught Jenny’s eye. Underneath it was nestling today’s paper.

“Maybe we could do today’s crossword”.
“I’ve done it already”.
“Oh,” Jenny was disappointed, she always liked doing the crossword with her mum.
“Well there’s one clue that I haven’t got.”
“Oh,” Jenny suddenly perked up, “what is it?”
“It’s, ‘You may have seen a cakewalk, but have you seen plenty of this’, it’s nine letters.”
“Hmm,” I don’t know.
“Mmmm,” me either.

Jenny and her mother waited for an hour, and nobody came. After a while Jenny started shivering. And a little bit later her mother started doing the same.

“What will we do if nobody comes?”
“Somebody will come.”
“But…”
“Well…”

Suddenly a light reflected on the front window from behind. Another car was arriving. It slowed and a guy jumped out.

“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just, our battery’s out.”
“Okay I’ll give you a jump.”

The man walked round to the front of the car, and opened the bonnet. But before he’d looked for too long he came walking back to the window.

“I don’t think it can be your battery. What happened?”
“We were driving and the car suddenly slowed, and stopped. The after a while later the fan stopped running.”
“Well that makes sense. You’ve got a hole in your radiator. The battery must have run down trying to keep the two of you warm.”
“So will we be able to get it going again.”
“Not without a tow-truck. I’m sorry can I take you somewhere where we can call someone?”
“That would be great. Actually the only reason I’m here is that I’m trying to take Jenny to school.”
“Actually me too, my son’s in the back in there,” he pointed to his car, “Tom keeps telling me that school is cancelled for today. But I’m not sure exactly how that helps me. If he can’t go to school then I can’t go to work.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Look, should we try and drop them both off and then see if we can call somebody from there?”

It was a plan. Jenny and her mother abandoned the car and got into the jeep that belonged to their knight in metallic silver. As she got in the back Jenny was sitting next to a boy that she didn’t know. The boy spoke.

“Are you Jenny?” he said.
“Yeah, how did you know my name?”
“You’re in the year bellow me.”
“Oh I…”
“You’re new aren’t you.”
“That’s right but I…”
“People have been talking about you.” He clearly realised that it sounded bad, so he said, “nothing bad, they’re just interested because you’re new.”
“Oh.”
“Do you do crosswords?”
“Um. Sort of. My dad taught me I think.”
“Yeah my mum taught me.”
“Oh. Why are you asking?”
“Just because my mum has a clue that we can’t work out in today’s crossword. You haven’t done one today already have you.”
“No.”
“Not at all.”
“No, we usually do the Saturday one.”
“Oh. Well this clue, this one we can’t get.”
“Yes.”
“Well it’s, ‘You may have seen a cakewalk, but have you seen plenty of this’, it’s nine letters.” Jenny realised right after she’d said it that she’d almost been doing an impression of her mother when she was saying the clue.
“Well, I think I know the answer.”
“Well…? What is it?”
“Well, I think it must be ‘Abundance’. Yes that must be it.”

And somehow, with the half smile of the realisation of the joke in the answer, accompanied with the steely determination of his jaw that he would in the end be right about what he had just said, even though he was overly polite about it in the way that he described it, Jenny loved Tom in that moment. Even though she had no real idea of what love really meant or if this, as such, was it. She knew that this was something, and only years later would she realise and tell people that she’d fallen in love with Tom from this moment.

[Check back next Friday for Part 2]

Speech Therapy

I’ve been to a few social gatherings in my time and at some of them speeches have been required. It’s an odd area because sometimes the people making the speeches are exacctly the kind of people who love making speeches and sometimes the people concerned have been forced into it.

I do love listening to a speech regardless of the quality because it’s usually entertainingly good or entertainingly bad. However if you are about to make a speech here are my two handy tips taken from real speeches that have gone well.

Tip one, for the person who makes a lot of speeches and does it well:
This one comes straight from the person I’ve seen make the most speeches in my life. He is famous for his speeches and always starts them with the same hoarey old line, “unaccustomed as I am”, which because it’s a lie and such an obvious one means he starts with a laugh every time. A good start is always important.

Tip two, for the person who doesn’t often make speeches and might be nervous.
Keep it simple and keep it short. If you’re stuck for a line that’s simple and short then you might like to use this one which was used at a wedding I attended and was the entirety of the only speech. First he went all out for making everyone quiet and so on. Then had somebody say, “pray silence for the speeches” and then he said, “ok everyone, lets get pissed”.

Note to American readers “pissed” in this context means “drunk”.

Bill is sick of being nagged

Bill, who’s sick of his nagging wife goes down to pub to meet with his mates for a couple of pints. After a while, one of his pals says, “What’s up Bill, – you look a bit down, mate”.

Bill explains that his wife has been giving him a real hard time lately – he hasn’t finished decorating the living room! When’s he going to get around to putting in the conservatory, decking and water feature as seen on TV? When’s he going to get up the guts to ask for a pay rise so that they can go on holiday? etc. etc. etc. Why, he said, if he knew who to ask he’d gladly pay to have her ‘disposed of’.

A bloke standing at the bar comes over and says – ‘scuse me mate – My name’s Artie – couldn’t help overhearing what you just said. You got a photo of the old bat by any chance?

Bill shows him a photo – who reacts – “Bloody hell mate – that’s one ugly woman. I’ll get rid of her for you for a quid!

Bill is so amazed that he hands over a quid and the photo just like that.

‘When and how will you do it?’ he asks Artie.
‘Tommorrow, when she goes into the supermarket.’

Sure enough, Bill goes to Tesco’s only to see Artie following his wife. In the Fruit & Veg section, Artie pounces and grabs Mrs Bill round the throat – only to be interrupted by a shelf stacker. Artie promptly throttles him. He catches up with Bill’s missus by the dairy produce and grabs her again by the throat. This time the Manager steps in. Artie throttles him too. He again catches up with the old bag and this time strangles her by the frozen foods and runs out of the supermarket.

The next day, in the local paper was the headline:
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND IN TESCO’S!

Working for a living

As I’m just moving at the moment and having some work done before I move in. And it’s revealed to me a very bizarre change that seems to have happened in the building world.

The thing is that there probably isn’t that much that changes in the world of workmen. This could of course be incredibly prejudicial, but I think it’s the case. I guess ease of access to electrical equipment and power tools have somewhat changed the job, but what I’m thinking of has totally revolutionised it. I mean to a tradesman this is the biggest thing since the portable radio, and all that meant was that they don’t now have to whistle which probably saves them a little bit on lip-salve and not much else.

The big change for them must have come with the invention of the mobile phone. This really must have altered the way that they work. Simply because now they can book in their next job while they are still doing their current one. It’s one of those technology situations where you suddenly realise “what on earth did they ever do before”? Did they have an answering service that they checked in on from time to time? Or did they only take calls in the evening?

I realised that the best way to find the answer to this was to simply ask them. But all of the people who are working for me said that they used to work for firms and be given jobs to do by the firm itself. So they had never worked as a sole trader without a phone. But then I wonder, is it not the mobile phone that has made it possible for them to quit their jobs and become a sole trader? It seems entirely possible.

Other things I have learnt from this moving experience:

1) Taking wallpaper off a wall where the wallpaper has had paint on top of it is really hard.

And

2) If you want to name your son after yourself then a really good name to have is Robert. I had two guys working for me at one point as a father and son team. The father was called Bert and the son Rob. It really helps to have two short names within your long name if you’re going to try and pull a stunt like that.

Jake Turnweed

Jake Turnweed was walking. What? Isn’t that enough for you people? No? Oh I’m sorry. I do apologise. I hadn’t realised that it was your story. So do go on then. Do continue. Write the next bit yourself.

Ummmm.

No? It’s not so easy is it.

But I don’t…

Oh don’t give me this “you don’t know what actually happened next” crap. He walked to school didn’t he.

“Jake Turnweed walked to school”

Oh very clever. Very smart. I’m not impressed you know. I have absolutely no reason to be impressed. For that transgression I’m not telling you the rest of the story. See if I care.

Four fonts walk into a bar

And the barman says, “Get out, we don’t serve your type in here”.