Category Archives: Bunby

Pirates! – The Bunby Bungle – Part 4

[This is Part 4 of 4 in Pirates!: The Bunby Bungle. If you’re interested then please read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 first.]

As Marshall walked back downstairs he found it hard to keep his legs even close together. He’d been given a workout. He was 60 for christsakes, not a good time to discover the wonders of the foursome. He just wished he’d been able to afford the foursome when he was twenty years younger. Although then he hadn’t had to pay for exciting sex.

This was the second time he’d though of Margaret tonight. She would understand. She always had. When they made love it was very different than the sex he had had tonight. Making love was making love a very different thing.

He walked back into the bar, and he turned the stairs. There was nobody behind the bar at this point which was exactly what Marshall had been expecting. He walked back there and poured himself a drink. He left the now open bottle on the counter as an alibi in case he was caught. And then with a simple and practiced motion he opened the till and emptied it into a bag he’d been carrying in his pocket. There was a safe. He knew the combination by now and he opened that as well. Tight little bundles of money lying in the safe, he picked them up and put them inside his coat lining. He now had it all.

He exited the bar, walked round the corner, shouted at Bunby, “How’s it going fella!”

The only problem, Marshall realised later, was that he had thought Bunby must be somebody who needed the wool pulling over his eyes. Whereas Bunby had completely separately and independently been thinking of taking Tawnies. So out of his overcoat he pulled a shotgun, pointed it at the ceiling and yelled, “I’m going to fuckin’ rob you.”

This Marshall thought was a shame. But there was only one way out. And instead of the quiet exit he had planned it was time to make the situation abundantly clear.

And with this thought, Marshall pulled out a gun of his own and fired it at Bunby killing him dead. Luckily people were quickly convinced Marshall was a hero and he was allowed to walk off of the crime scene before the police arrived and noticed that the bar didn’t have any money in it just one day shy of a month of running the most successful gambling den on the islands.

Pirates! – The Bunby Bungle – Part 3

[This is Part 3 of 4 in Pirates!: The Bunby Bungle. If you’re interested then please read Part 1 and Part 2 first.]

It was subtle the way he did it. The way Bunby made the subtle shift. He had been losing hard for 12 hours. That’s 11 hours more than a man like Bunby liked to lose for. He could lose for a bit. He was happy to just to prove how much a winner he was when the fortune turned around. But 12 hours in Marshall had assumed that despite his own best efforts Bunby was in on the whole situation. Marshall assumed so much that he thought Bunby was only there to make sure that Marshall did what was right and paid the correct percentage to the people that controlled this island.

But Marshall didn’t usually work like that. He was respected by other pirates because he pulled the most fearsome deals, and he had done for forty years. The only problem was that he didn’t do very well at the pirately conduct awards. Marshall had never believed in this so called honour among thieves. What was the point. Thieve or be thieved upon – that was Marshall’s whole life.

And he’d been planning to rumble this casino for close to eighteen months. It was a length of time that invited opinion. First up it was important to realise that he did about a job a month regardless of circumstance. But he knew by now how important planning was, but he also knew that he needed to see all of the angles. And so Marshall wanted to see every place for a couple of nights a month for every month for quite a long time before he went in. And at the Tawnies it had seemed perfect. No pirates, not one in all of that time. And yet there was lots of money being traded. Bunby’s appearance moments after he had arrived said that there was a reason that pirates didn’t come in, and that reason was Bunby.

“Right,” Marshall said out-loud and suddenly, “I want a shag. I know what I said, but I’ll pay separate for this. And well. I’ve earned well tonight.”

This wasn’t strictly true but clearly come seven am some of the girls were ready for a second go. Marshall stood up and three of the girls stood in front of him offering their services.

“It seems churlish to choose. I’ll take you all.”

Tune back next week for Part 4 of 4.

Pirates! – The Bunby Bungle – Part 2

[This is Part 2 of 4 in Pirates!: The Bunby Bungle. If you’re interested then please read Part 1 first.]

The Tawnies had a problem. The word had got out. There were two pirates sitting at the bar drinking straight rum. And these pirates had been drinking rum for eight hours straight. The bar had been hoping that eventually they would get drunk enough to go home. But that hadn’t happened. Now they seemed like they were moving in.

“Shall we go to the tables?”
“I…”
“Sir,” the barkeep was still on duty out of fear rather than anything more noble.
“I… Can’t.”
“No Sir can’t.”
“Sir now are we?”
“I well…”
The barkeep, looked upset, “I was just asked.”
“Yes. The only bet I’m laying tonight is that I won’t bet. If I lose I lose, but if I win then I pay out a piece to this gentleman from keeping me from trouble.”
“Marshal.”
“What?”
“You should be beyond such tricks with the staff. You know your destiny is to die at the table. So why do you deny yourself so? You shouldn’t deny your destiny.”
“No. I suppose not Bunby. But on the other hand if I am to die at the table as has been suggested I thought it best to avoid as a pastime.”
“You can avoid all you like. But you know all that will happen is that you won’t have played and enjoyed for years. You’ll just have drunk yourself into a self-hating hole, and then while perfectly innocently walking past a bookies one day fall dead over the table. If it is fated it is foolish to avoid it.”
“You have a point.”
“You’re damn right I have a point. Here’s two pieces,” Bunby through two pieces at the man behind the bar and took Marshal by the shoulder. “Now we play.”

They walked over to the nearest table. The table was full but their presence was enough to suggest simply to some of the players that it would be safest to cash in their chips and leave. Once they sat down they were dealt in quickly and efficiently but clearly that wasn’t enough for Bunby.

“Check or bet?”
Bunby looked at the dealer like he was talking a foreign language. “I can’t decide that,” he screamed, what do you expect of me? Barkeep! Barkeep!”

The bartender limped over, looking very worried at the situation. He seemed more worried to approach Marshall who he knew he had let down.

“Barkeep!” shouted Bunby, “I think this guy is trying to gip us. I can’t be expected to play straight sober. I think he’s trying to dry us out on purpose. You need to keep me and my friend here suitably drunk. Suitably! Do you understand? If we end up sobering our game will be lost. And currently we have no drink. Do you understand? We need to be drunk here otherwise this man will quite naturally cheat us out of all of our hard earned money.”

The bartender made to move away.

“Hold up,” Marshall said. “There is another thing.”
“Another thing.” Bunby assured.
“There is another thing?” The bartender seemed less sure.
“It’s of a private matter,” Marshall said.
“It’s perfectly valid, and I feel it too.” said Bunby. He’d clearly been here before.
“I only,” said Marshall, “can bet well if I’m properly stiff. Half mast isn’t enough anymore. I simply can’t do it. So get me your finest women. Get me them, one for me and one for Bunby here. I want to have two one for each. We can’t have relations, we can’t Bunby, but we must have them here for the sharpening of the senses they provide. So we will pay them for that not the other.”

Drinks arrived seconds later. And after two minutes the finest women of the establishment arrived. They were excited to be there too. A client who would pay without sex. A big difference. That’s why they were the best. One of them had literally unmounted, been swapped out for another girl, because of the unusualness of the situation.

It was that excitement that he thrived on. It was almost like a real date, much more than the sex his wife would give him freely that night.

Tune back next week for Part 3 of 4.

Pirates! – The Bunby Bungle

He was leaning against a wood fence. As he leaned forward the vines came close to his nose. He could see the grapes. They were so bright and shiny that he could see the glint in his own eye within them. Monkeys were running up and down the branches having away with the prime fruit. It was their time, the sun was setting and the people weren’t ready to face the evening yet. He gave his beard a deep scratch. As he did it the fresh salt from the days sailing cut into his hand. It was a pain that had seemed immense the first day it had happened forty years ago but now comforted him beyond any other moment in the day. He always knew he’d done an honest days work when he had salt in his beard. Even if… especially if the day hadn’t been honest by other men’s standards. He knew what hard work was, and he’d never understood why one job was more honest in the eyes of the law than another. As long as you worked hard to get your money, as long as you worked the hardest to get your money then it must be your money.

A beautiful warm breeze fell towards him, the monkeys were chattering in the trees, and there was salt in his beard. This was the life for him. The only thing missing was women and wine. He turned around and walked into the bar.

Although it was quiet compared to his usual kind of establishment, there was murmuring from the tables. He put it down to the playing of cards which seemed quite intense. He approached the bar and sat at one of the stools.

The keep came over, and said, “what’ll it be?”
“The stakes must be high tonight.”
“Always high here.”
“Must be good for business.”
“We do alright.”
“Lucky you.”
“The house always wins, that’s what they say.”
“That’s what they say.”

The keep looked at our man a bit more deeply. He suddenly realised to ask him something, “you don’t know where you are do you?”
“I’m in a bar aren’t I?”
“You’re in the most prestigious bar in all of the Windies. The most famous gambling den of the whole sub-continent. You’re in Tawnies.”
“Tawnies really. Never heard of it.”
“Well your loss,” says the barkeep.
“Not really my loss if I’m here is it?”
“No I suppose not.”
“Now lets get down to business.”
“Betting, drinking or pleasure?”
“Thought you’d never ask.”
“Thought I’d never have to.”
“Drinking first, pleasure later, and you’re to stop me betting at all costs. A piece for you if I’ve not bet by morning.”
“You’re on. So what’ll it be?”
“Bumbo”
“We don’t serve Bumbo here.”
“Well I’m not drinking grog.”

There was talk suddenly from the nearest table. Our man heard the word Bumbo being repeated several times.”

“We,” said the bartender, “don’t serve pirates here.”
“I’m not a pirate,” said our pirate.
“How do we know?”
“Serve me some rum, straight then if you must, but I won’t drink grog.”
“That doesn’t tell me you’re not a pirate.”
“Check my arm.”
“That just means you haven’t been caught.”
“Yes it does. But if you think you’re better than the entire Dutch West India Company then you’ve got another thing coming.”

And just as things looked to be getting ugly a square hat walked in. Rain dripping off his coat. He walked past everyone who had stopped playing cards and were only staring at him. As he walked past the window lightning cracked. highlighting what was left of his face. He made it up to the next door stool to our man and said, “This pirate causing you trouble? Because if he isn’t then I will.”

To be continued, please check back next week for Part 2.