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It is little known that Isaac Newton, in addition to discovering gravity and describing the laws of motion, worked for the Cambridge Advertiser as an agony uncle. His column was feared lost until recent research discovered this trove of material in Steven Hawking’s fridge.

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April 1721

Dear Sir Isaac,

I am writing to you for your most wonderful and educated advice. I am but a humble farmer and I am uneducated in your scientific ways, but this farm which has been producing apples in abundant quantity for generations appears to have been on the wane from a yield point of view ever since you invented gravity.

My family is destitute, and I’ve had to eat my pet pig, please let me know what you are going to do about this,

Yours,

Jonathan Kirkwood

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Jonathan,

You give me too much credit, His Holiness himself invented gravity, I merely discovered it,

Yours,

Newton.

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Sir Isaac,

I have spoken to the vicar and he says he ain’t done nuffink,

And in the meantime I’m down a pig and three bushels of apples,

Yours,

Kirkwood

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Jonathan,

You misunderstand me, I was talking about the almighty himself. He invented gravity, and he also sent you a bad crop, but never fear, if it’s money you’re after perhaps I can interest you in the wonderful world of Alchemy?

It is well known that if you float sufficient apples over a waterfall then a pot of gold will appear at the bottom.

Yours,

Newton.

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Sir,

You are a git,

Kirkwood.

It is little known that Isaac Newton, in addition to discovering Gravity and describing the laws of motion, worked for the Cambridge Advertiser as an agony uncle. His column was feared lost until recent research discovered this trove of material in Steven Hawking’s fridge.

March 1721

Dear Sir Isaac,

I am writing to you for your most revered advice. My wife has noticed that I am beginning to go quite bald, only 20 years ago I had a full luxurious head of hair and now I have but six hairs left on my scalp. My wife has taken to mentioning this to me on a regular basis and find this is affecting my stature around the home. My wife has the most foul breath, should I mention this to her to try and strike a balance? Or is there a way, using your science, to restore my bonce to it’s earlier state?

Yours,

Jeremiah Killkerry

 
Jeremiah,

I read with despair the report of the calamitous situation you find yourself in. In fact when I read your missive, I fell into a reverie so deep that I was 20 minutes late to luncheon.

My first thought was to utilise the hairs that remain on your scalp, I engaged a young man who works in the kitchen in a practical experiment. I first bade him capture 6 bats from the clock tower of the college, we then fastened the bats to six of the hairs on his head and then frightened them. The hope was that the bats would pull more hair out from within the head thus enabling the production of a hair weave. However the bats merely broke free, and one of them also bit him, and thus I do not recommend this solution except in extremis.

I have since asked the lad to hang upside down for the last 6 weeks. I have discovered this wonderful life force which I call gravity, I was hoping that this will pull hair out of his head, however it does seem to have killed him, so again I cannot wholeheartedly recommend this treatment.

However this did lead me to thinking about a solution to all of your problems. If you suggest to your wife that she clean her foul mouth out with drain cleaner it will likely freshen her breath and permanently end her complaining. Although my editor insists that you consult with your physician before “cleaning” your wife.

Yours,

Newton.