Monthly Archives: March 2007

Deaf for this post

One of the greatest advances in technology is texting on mobile phones. I have, in the past, spoken about how such a thing came about (which is a great story too so please check it out). But the best thing about texting is that it has normalised the deaf in a way that nobody planned. It has made it possible to do so many things that previously they only dreamed of.

And then I saw this video and I can’t believe it, what a great thing. Kerrang have an hour of signed video for the deaf. If this is anything to go by then it must be genius must watch telly:

Pirates! – The Bunby Bungle – Part 3

[This is Part 3 of 4 in Pirates!: The Bunby Bungle. If you’re interested then please read Part 1 and Part 2 first.]

It was subtle the way he did it. The way Bunby made the subtle shift. He had been losing hard for 12 hours. That’s 11 hours more than a man like Bunby liked to lose for. He could lose for a bit. He was happy to just to prove how much a winner he was when the fortune turned around. But 12 hours in Marshall had assumed that despite his own best efforts Bunby was in on the whole situation. Marshall assumed so much that he thought Bunby was only there to make sure that Marshall did what was right and paid the correct percentage to the people that controlled this island.

But Marshall didn’t usually work like that. He was respected by other pirates because he pulled the most fearsome deals, and he had done for forty years. The only problem was that he didn’t do very well at the pirately conduct awards. Marshall had never believed in this so called honour among thieves. What was the point. Thieve or be thieved upon – that was Marshall’s whole life.

And he’d been planning to rumble this casino for close to eighteen months. It was a length of time that invited opinion. First up it was important to realise that he did about a job a month regardless of circumstance. But he knew by now how important planning was, but he also knew that he needed to see all of the angles. And so Marshall wanted to see every place for a couple of nights a month for every month for quite a long time before he went in. And at the Tawnies it had seemed perfect. No pirates, not one in all of that time. And yet there was lots of money being traded. Bunby’s appearance moments after he had arrived said that there was a reason that pirates didn’t come in, and that reason was Bunby.

“Right,” Marshall said out-loud and suddenly, “I want a shag. I know what I said, but I’ll pay separate for this. And well. I’ve earned well tonight.”

This wasn’t strictly true but clearly come seven am some of the girls were ready for a second go. Marshall stood up and three of the girls stood in front of him offering their services.

“It seems churlish to choose. I’ll take you all.”

Tune back next week for Part 4 of 4.

Two hydrogen atoms are talking

One says, “I think I’ve lost and electron.”
The other asks, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

Train in Vain

There’s a guy on the train most mornings who is really annoying. Why is he so annoying well he starts off by being one of those people who views being on a train as the ideal time to continue his social life. That’s right he’s a social caller.

In case you aren’t sure about the definitions you have four different kinds of people on trains (in relation to telephone use).

Perfect Saint – Mobile phone is off and stays off for entire journey.

They called us, don’t blame me – They receive a call on the phone. They look suitably embarrassed, explain the situation or answer the question quickly and hang up. If a conversation of more than one minute ensues then this person has become a social caller.

I just called, to say, I’m on the train – sometimes you do just need to initiate a call on a train. Normally to let the person at the other end know that the train has finally left the station and seems to have some intention of finally getting you home. This should be less and less necessary because you could always text. But we do know that texts can, on occasion be as delayed as the trains. So yes, it can be acceptable. But if the conversation strays off of the unavoidable reason for your call then you’re into social caller.

Social Caller – Oh dear, you stupid pitiful scum of the earth. You’re on the train, you’re bored. You’ve forgotten to bring a book or magazine and despite having a phone which you could play a game (with the sound off please) or write an e-mail (or for that matter blog post criticising your fellow passengers) you decide that it would be a good use of your time to catch up with your friends by giving them a call. This is just simply not fair. Us poor saps are sitting here while you yammer on about what’s going on this weekend, what’s happening with your boyfriend or on one memorable occasion as you wonder if the fact you’d missed your period means anything! And it goes on and on. And sometimes the person on the other end has better things to do or dies and the conversation ends. We on the train think, for one blissful moment that the pain has gone away. But there you are scrolling through your speed dial looking for your next victim. And it all just gets worse and worse.

So, now we have the definitions sorted lets get back to my social caller. Well the first thing to note is that it’s in the morning. The used to be a rule, a social code, that although nobody liked mobile phones on trains at any time on morning commuter you don’t talk to somebody even if there on the train right with you. Silence is the order of the day. But there’s no stopping this guy. Second this guys got a shrill camp voice and ends every sentence with a raised voice like it’s a question. Even when it’s not. And finally he’s depressed. So he just talks interminably about why everything is wrong in his life since he was dumped, and how he just doesn’t seem to have any energy any more. The worst is when he’s dials and then we all wait to see if the next person is going to pick up. He says, “pick up, pick up, pick up” as it rings. And then when nobody answers he says, “why don’t they ever answer”. Perhaps it’s because it’s seven fifteen and they’re asleep or they have decided that the very last thing that they want to wake up to is your depressed whiny voice droning on and on until the end of the world. Or perhaps they hate you. This is what I shout at him – in my mind.

A traffic policeman stops a speeding car

And is surprised to discover six live penguins in the boot. “Yes, Officer – I’m in a terrible state. I won these penguins in a raffle and I don’t know what to do with them.” Replies the policeman, “If I were you, I’d take them to the zoo.”

The following day, the policeman notices the same car and flags it down again. The six penguins are still huddled in the boot, but now they’re wearing sunglasses. “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo,” says the policeman.

“Yes, you did – and they enjoyed it so much I’m taking them to the seaside today.”


He pushed the soil through his hands, and then he remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He found, by moving his fingers, the roots within the soil, and grabbed hold of them and started shaking the clump. The mud fell out in giant clods and smashed on the floor. He was making a mess, so he stopped and went to the side wall to get the broom.

He lent against the broom and looked over the whole of his land. It seemed to stretch on for miles. In fact it did. There wasn’t another soul for miles around. He was totally alone in this world, because of the way that he had chosen to live. He had chosen to live this way, without anyone. He was thinking this, as he was about to go back to his work. When he was shot dead.

Juvenile Delinquents

The other day while walking to work I noticed a kid who was wearing a tracksuit and a beanie suddenly crouch down next to a wall. He was right next to it so I couldn’t see what he was doing and this piqued my interest. I looked again, this time for longer, and could see his hands moving around on the wall.

In to my mind popped the thought, “little bugger is spray painting that wall”. Just as I was thinking this another boy came walking along the side street wearing a very similar get up. As the second kid turned the corner onto the main road the first kid jumped up and sacred the living daylights out of the other. This had been, of course, the entire reason for hiding behind the wall. They quickly laughed and clapped each other on the back and went running up the hill.

Sometimes innocent acts look deeply suspicious. And I wonder if it’s London or the media that’s made me consider such simple fun between two children a less likely prospect than graffiti? Who knows? Maybe it’s simply the fact that there’s much more graffiti on my journey in to work these days?

Pirates! – The Bunby Bungle – Part 2

[This is Part 2 of 4 in Pirates!: The Bunby Bungle. If you’re interested then please read Part 1 first.]

The Tawnies had a problem. The word had got out. There were two pirates sitting at the bar drinking straight rum. And these pirates had been drinking rum for eight hours straight. The bar had been hoping that eventually they would get drunk enough to go home. But that hadn’t happened. Now they seemed like they were moving in.

“Shall we go to the tables?”
“Sir,” the barkeep was still on duty out of fear rather than anything more noble.
“I… Can’t.”
“No Sir can’t.”
“Sir now are we?”
“I well…”
The barkeep, looked upset, “I was just asked.”
“Yes. The only bet I’m laying tonight is that I won’t bet. If I lose I lose, but if I win then I pay out a piece to this gentleman from keeping me from trouble.”
“You should be beyond such tricks with the staff. You know your destiny is to die at the table. So why do you deny yourself so? You shouldn’t deny your destiny.”
“No. I suppose not Bunby. But on the other hand if I am to die at the table as has been suggested I thought it best to avoid as a pastime.”
“You can avoid all you like. But you know all that will happen is that you won’t have played and enjoyed for years. You’ll just have drunk yourself into a self-hating hole, and then while perfectly innocently walking past a bookies one day fall dead over the table. If it is fated it is foolish to avoid it.”
“You have a point.”
“You’re damn right I have a point. Here’s two pieces,” Bunby through two pieces at the man behind the bar and took Marshal by the shoulder. “Now we play.”

They walked over to the nearest table. The table was full but their presence was enough to suggest simply to some of the players that it would be safest to cash in their chips and leave. Once they sat down they were dealt in quickly and efficiently but clearly that wasn’t enough for Bunby.

“Check or bet?”
Bunby looked at the dealer like he was talking a foreign language. “I can’t decide that,” he screamed, what do you expect of me? Barkeep! Barkeep!”

The bartender limped over, looking very worried at the situation. He seemed more worried to approach Marshall who he knew he had let down.

“Barkeep!” shouted Bunby, “I think this guy is trying to gip us. I can’t be expected to play straight sober. I think he’s trying to dry us out on purpose. You need to keep me and my friend here suitably drunk. Suitably! Do you understand? If we end up sobering our game will be lost. And currently we have no drink. Do you understand? We need to be drunk here otherwise this man will quite naturally cheat us out of all of our hard earned money.”

The bartender made to move away.

“Hold up,” Marshall said. “There is another thing.”
“Another thing.” Bunby assured.
“There is another thing?” The bartender seemed less sure.
“It’s of a private matter,” Marshall said.
“It’s perfectly valid, and I feel it too.” said Bunby. He’d clearly been here before.
“I only,” said Marshall, “can bet well if I’m properly stiff. Half mast isn’t enough anymore. I simply can’t do it. So get me your finest women. Get me them, one for me and one for Bunby here. I want to have two one for each. We can’t have relations, we can’t Bunby, but we must have them here for the sharpening of the senses they provide. So we will pay them for that not the other.”

Drinks arrived seconds later. And after two minutes the finest women of the establishment arrived. They were excited to be there too. A client who would pay without sex. A big difference. That’s why they were the best. One of them had literally unmounted, been swapped out for another girl, because of the unusualness of the situation.

It was that excitement that he thrived on. It was almost like a real date, much more than the sex his wife would give him freely that night.

Tune back next week for Part 3 of 4.

Two muffins are in the toaster

The first muffin says, “Boy it’s hot in here.”

The second muffin says, “I don’t believe it! A talking muffin!”