When I were a lad you didn’t have the internet… Well you might have if you were one of the five government scientists who were keeping it all locked up before they all decided to relax, chill out, let their hair down and distribute some of those lovely IP addresses. And in those days they used to have these things called newspapers. They were these things which had yesterday’s news written up and printed on them. Of course there was already news on the television and the radio so they still didn’t really report news live but sometimes you’d read about something in the newspaper you didn’t know about that had happened yesterday. But then the internet came along and they all died out. People said it was because the internet was free, but of course the real problem was that you had to cut down bamboo to make newspapers and that’s bad for pandas… Or what I’m trying to say is that it was because of the distribution model. It was always out of date once the internet was there. The best you could hope for was for it to be only half a day out of date by the time you read it.
Of course I have always loved reading, so I used to read newspapers until they died out. And even then they had realised that something was a bit wrong and so they kind of reduced the amount they focused on news. They really should have been renamed Opinionpapers but people would have got upset and written to the editor of the newspaper saying that it was ridiculous to just make up words and telling them that if they didn’t change it back to newspaper, they would cancel their subscription. They wouldn’t seem to notice that somebody had cancelled their sense of irony previously.
I liked the Opinionpapers for a while until the internet made them seem redundant. I always thought it was funny when I would read a column for weeks and weeks and suddenly it would say, “SoAndSo is away”. How pathetic, I thought, can’t you even be bothered? Where are you? On holiday? On holiday from what? My dream job! How dare you? But yeah, it turns out that it was important. You do need breaks to recharge from time to time. And also it’s worth doing just to keep you on your toes. The Opinionpapers would use the period to test out new writers. On the internet you get to be the editor and test new people out yourself.
Anyway, I’m back. I think. Sorry I was away. Hope you had a lovely holiday.