Category Archives: Fauxbituary

Fauxbituary #2 – Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg

Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg
1943 – 2012

Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg, entrepreneur, died yesterday. With his campaigning mantra, “the rich deserve a break”, Sir Bernard was a polarising figure on the international business scene. From humble beginnings, Sir Bernard was born in Club Class on a flight to Monaco for the Grand Prix, a fact that he fought to keep secret for more than twenty years, before then admitting the truth in his Autobiography, “Why I’m rich, and you’re not”. From the book: “For years I wanted to hide that I hadn’t been born in First Class on this flight, but then I began to realise that the reason I was wealthy was the same as my father’s, I made everyone who wasn’t me slum it in the back”.

Sir Bernard was known for many years to have been a campaigner for rights for the rich. In perhaps his most controversial suggestion, in a speech at the Lord Mayor’s banquet, he advocated the reintroduction of child chimney sweeps, claiming that they added, “a certain ambiance that was lacking these days, and also it was useful to have them around the house as their small arms made stuffing the swans with smaller birds much easier”.

Sir Bernard died yesterday, after a long illness of the brain, surrounded by his money.

Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg is survived.

Fauxbituary #1 – Algernon Q Fuzzbutter

Algernon Q Fuzzbutter
1908 – 2012

Algernon Q Fuzzbutter, the inventor of the oversized mattress label, died on Thursday peacefully in his bed. Fuzzbutter would, his family said in a prepared statement they had prepared earlier, have appreciated the irony of his place of death. “Dad was always in bed, even when he wasn’t confined to it,” said Sarah Munt, his daughter (63), “as far back as I can remember he kinda lived in there.”

“Perhaps,” said Arthur Scofield, a formerly disgruntled employee who has reconsidered his opinion of his former employer in light of his death, “he went there to dream? He certainly dreamed up some kooky ideas we had to implement over the years”. Indeed he did, Fuzzbutter had 73 and a half patents to his name, but not one of the devices, contraptions or aides ever caught on as well as the oversized mattress label.

In an interview with this publication back in 1932 he spoke about the genesis of the idea, “It just occurred to me, the labels they were putting on these mattresses were about the same size as the labels in a shirt, or a pair of bloomers, but the mattress is much larger than these other items, so why not have a label commensurate with the larger size of the object in question?” He also revealed in the interview that he hoped one day to add large labels to cars and even refrigerators, but alas he was unable to live to see his dream become a reality.

Algernon Q Fuzzbutter is survived.