The invariably poor advice of Isaac Newton – Part 2

It is little known that Isaac Newton, in addition to discovering gravity and describing the laws of motion, worked for the Cambridge Advertiser as an agony uncle. His column was feared lost until recent research discovered this trove of material in Steven Hawking’s fridge.

***

April 1721

Dear Sir Isaac,

I am writing to you for your most wonderful and educated advice. I am but a humble farmer and I am uneducated in your scientific ways, but this farm which has been producing apples in abundant quantity for generations appears to have been on the wane from a yield point of view ever since you invented gravity.

My family is destitute, and I’ve had to eat my pet pig, please let me know what you are going to do about this,

Yours,

Jonathan Kirkwood

***

Jonathan,

You give me too much credit, His Holiness himself invented gravity, I merely discovered it,

Yours,

Newton.

***

Sir Isaac,

I have spoken to the vicar and he says he ain’t done nuffink,

And in the meantime I’m down a pig and three bushels of apples,

Yours,

Kirkwood

***

Jonathan,

You misunderstand me, I was talking about the almighty himself. He invented gravity, and he also sent you a bad crop, but never fear, if it’s money you’re after perhaps I can interest you in the wonderful world of Alchemy?

It is well known that if you float sufficient apples over a waterfall then a pot of gold will appear at the bottom.

Yours,

Newton.

***

Sir,

You are a git,

Kirkwood.

One thought on “The invariably poor advice of Isaac Newton – Part 2

  1. igorandronov says:

    You could believe this story or you could take an equal and opposite reaction…

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