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Day 3

I wake suddenly and desperately thrashing out in the darkness. There is, of course, nothing out there. It was the end of my dream letting itself out into my awake self.

We must start moving immediately if we are going to make it out. Even not it will be a miracle if we get out. The food supply is dangerously low.

We start moving. After a few hours we are at the membrane. Tired, hungry and very dispirited. Once we get to the ear what little of our spirits we had left desert us. The subject is sick. He’s blocked up. His ear is completely filled with wax. Normally this would delay us. But normally we would be facing this almost half a day earlier. And not while tired and hungry.

But we cracked on. We had to. What other option did we have?

It was hard demoralising work. Each break we took I sit a bit further from the group. They know I’m to blame. Well Wally and Leftie just suspect. Julie knows. She was off her head. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of the situation.

I’m writing this on what I know is my final break. In the next few minutes we’ll be through to the connection to the nostril. I know what I have to do. I have to take the plunge. I’ll pretend to fall down the Eustachian tube. I know I wont survive. But I know the extra supplies will help my group. So I must do this. Eventually my body will work its way through our subject’s system. But I will be quite dead. It may be some time.

Day 2

I’m the first one up this morning. I feel fabulous. That great feeling when you’ve really earned your good night’s sleep. I worked hard and slept well. I only had pause for a moment when I realised I couldn’t remember if I’d had any dreams. Nothing came to mind, just a general elated feeling. No specifics but that’s okay as I was feeling… I was sure it was a good dream. I wondered vaguely if it was about Julie.

Once everyone was up and had eaten breakfast we started on the main work of the day. We would need to head to the brain as soon as we could. We started off. The aim was to get the information and hopefully back to the ear again tonight. Sometimes it takes longer at the brainface than that and then you have only an hour or two back at the membrane before leaving. But missions were never longer than three days since the Spiegalman incident. Now these things were so routine that nothing like that could ever happen. Hell even I’ve only emergency I’ve ever faced was a drill.

It took us most of the morning to reach the brainface. At this point we like to split up into groups of two as it speeds things up. As chance would have it Wally and Leftie decided to go off together leaving me and Julie to look together.

The thing with this job is that really only one of you can work at a time in a region. Julie wanted to go first. She was still new to the game and got a kick from experiencing all of the subject’s emotions. I mean I’m not saying that it didn’t affect me. I mean of course it does, you wouldn’t be a nanobot if it didn’t. But over time you do get more used to it. Anyway I was quite happy to lie there on a soft mound watching Julie probing away. She was just chatting away about all the stuff she was experiencing. And the sound of her voice was just babbling away. It was, I don’t mind telling you the happiest moment of my life up to that point. But the happiest moment now was what was going to happen next.

Suddenly Julie stopped talking and started giggling. She was laughing and smiling. And as I looked up all over her face was a look of unbelievable joy. I knew exactly what had happened but I could scarcely believe it. It was so rare. She had hit an endorphin stream. She was completely off her head on happiness!

She stepped towards me. Rather wobbly at first. But soon she was walking right over to where I was half lying – half sitting in stunned statuesque silence.

“I know something about you.” She said, her eyes glittered like they were finishing her sentence in semaphore.
“Oh do you?”
“Yes. You don’t think I know but I do.”
“Oh. What’s that?” This part wasn’t the happiest bit of my life. In truth I was quite nervous at this point.
“I know you’ve, how should I say, taken a shine to me.”
“Ah… I can explain…”
“You don’t have to explain. I reciprocate. I fancy the pants off of you.”

This bit was the happiest bit. I was quite pleased with myself. Now for this next part I must draw a delicate metaphor over the events. Suffice to say that we knew each other.

Much later the voices of Wally and Leftie came to our attention. We dressed hurriedly. And I don’t think they were aware of what had happened. Then with a mounting sense of dread they reminded me of the time. It was so late. There was no time to get back to the ear tonight. It was already one in the morning. We would have to camp by the brain.

We were in trouble and I knew it. I felt very guilty but I also felt like it was worth it for what had gone on that afternoon. In fact I felt guilty for that thought too.

I’ll need my oatcake to sleep tonight. I am so uncomfortable internally and externally it’s impossible to imagine that I’ll sleep at all tonight.

I want to end this week of articles themed on the subject of America by looking to the future.

In this article I will make reference to the following items: Jumpers, Beagles, Sir Edmund Hillary, Apollo, Britain, China, the USA and Tasmin Archer.

I just hope you’re ready and have them all to hand.

On Christmas day this year Britain is hoping to break some records with a Beagle. And no it isn’t to do with chain-smoking. Beagle 2, to give it it’s number, is a probe which is due to land on Mars.

After this news was released it was announced that China was planning a trip to the Moon. Almost instantly America said that it was going to the moon again because frankly they hadn’t been in ages and although they still exchanged Christmas cards each year the messages were getting shorter and shorter and they wanted to sort of rekindle the relationship. And frankly I think the president was worried about receiving an e-mail like this from the moon:

Dear George W.,

Glad to hear spot is doing well. It was a big year for us this year as the Chinese came to stay. It was very exciting. They brought a flag. And I’m sorry to say this because I’ve always liked your but they’ve had this really great idea and put a little battery powered motor in there so the flag actually looks like it’s moving in the wind. It’s really lovely. Well, I hope to see some of you Americans soon, it’s always nice, you know you’ll be welcome. And if you’re coming please do remember that rock you promised me back.

Cheers,

The Man on the Moon.
x

Well that would be enough to frighten anybody so the Americans are going back. Neither party have revealed if they are going to do anything to the evidence left by the previous trips. Maybe the Americans will steal the batteries out of the Chinese flag?

But the Americans are also going to send a man or two to Mars too which is all very exciting.

The thing is, and this is where Jumpers* and Toni Braxton** come in. Is it a really good idea to go to these places. Isn’t part of the thing about them the fact that we don’t really understand them?

The moon stops being a magical object the minute that you can go there.

And mars will too. And there is a good aspect to this because the moon and mars aren’t magic. Magic doesn’t exist per say. But it’s still disappointing when someone tells you how the magic trick works. You already knew it didn’t work the way it appeared but when you know how it works it’s actually disappointing a little. And that’s the same situation with the moon. The idea that you could go off in a space ship and discover things is much more exciting before it actually happens.

So in a way it’s better if they don’t go. But in the end of course we must go. Why? It’s the same thing as this: After Sir Edmund Hillary Everest, he was asked why he did it, he answered, “because it was there”.

* Tom Stoppard’s play Jumpers is at least in part about the feeling of loss when man went to the moon.

** Here are the lyrics from a song by Tasmin Archer. She holds all copyrights for this material and it is only provided for recreational or educational purposes as long as you don’t inhale:

Sleeping Satellite – Tasmin Archer

I blame you for the moonlit sky
and the dream that died
with the eagle’s flight
I blame you for the moonlit nights
when I wonder why
are the seas still dry?
Don’t blame this sleeping satellite
Did we fly to the moon too soon?
Did we squander the chance?
In the rush of the race
in the reason we chase is lost in romance
and still we try
to justify the waste
for a taste of mans greatest adventure.
Have we got what it takes to advance?
Did we peak too soon?
If the world is so green
then why does it scream under a blue moon?
We wonder why
the earth’s sacrificed
for the price of its greatest treasure
Did we fly to the moon too soon?
Did we squander the chance?
In the rush of the race
in the reason we chase is lost in romance
and still we try
to justify the waste
for a taste of mans greatest adventure.
And when we shoot for the stars
what a giant step
have we got what it takes
to carry the weight of this concept?
Or pass it by
like a shot in the dark
miss the mark with a sense of adventure
Did we fly to the moon too soon?
Did we squander the chance?
In the rush of the race
in the reason we chase is lost in romance
and still we try
to justify the waste
for a taste of mans greatest adventure.

So after some less than light hearted looks at America in this themed week I think we might try a little bit of a different topic. Today I’m going to talk about Murray the Outlaw of Fala Hill.

It’s important to know that that isn’t just an added on bit ot Murray’s name like a sort of Alexander the Great situation. All of “Murray the Outlaw of Fala Hill” appeared on his birth certificate. This may be an opportune moment to mention that I’m talking about a dog. Obviously all of that is a bit of a mouthful so the dog’s owner, Franklin Delanos Roosevelt – for it was he, used to call him Fala.

Up until this point the Roosevelts had had very mixed results with pets. They had always done well until they had arrived at the white house. In the first year of their being the First Family one dog brok it’s own foot and another bit a senator.

At that point they decided not to have any pets until Fala arrived seven years later as a gift. Fala was a black Scottish Terrier and was FDR’s constant companion. At least at first.

At first Fala went everywhere, even meeting Churchill several times. However in 1944 disaster struck. Fala was left behind accidentally on the Aleuthion Islands. And the Republicans seized upon this incident and tried to turn it to their political advantage. They claimed that FDR had used tax payers money to rescue him. But Roosevelt made an important rebuttal saying Fala’s “Scottish soul was furious” at the accusation and that Fala had “not been the same dog since”.

Just one year later FDR was dead. And if the Aleuthion Islands incident had changed him this destroyed him. Fala lived on another seven years but never really adjusted to living with Mrs. Roosevelt. When he died he was buried in the same garden as FDR.

FDR said famously that there is nothing to fear except fear itself. Interesting George W. Bush also has a dog. It is called Spot. As far as we know it doesn’t have any spots.

Continuing the theme of the week of the UK’s relationship with America. I thought I’d talk today about freedom as it’s being imposed on Iraq.

An interesting paradox this which is going to be interesting to watch. Values are not absolute. And while we would like to think we know what is and isn’t acceptable the variety is actually quite staggering. IN the UK it seems almost impossible that the death penalty will ever come back however in America it is a completely different situation.

How does the international community decide which set of values to impose? Of course it doesn’t. It gives the people democracy and then sits back and waits for democracy to work its magic.

The question is how are a set of people who have been oppressed for years and therefore have a values system that appears to be completely out of whack with my western culture supposed to make the decisions that America wants them to make?

What if the Iraqi people democratically elect a leader who hates America and wants to build Nuclear weapons so that America thinks twice before wondering in to their country again?

Could America justify going in and stopping them? Well they couldn’t claim they were freeing a people from oppression. Except I suppose themselves.

I always expected a move prior to the conflict in Iraq which never materialised. Why didn’t Iraq demand weapons inspectors go into America?

It would have been quite easy to convince the UN that Iraq believed it was under threat from America. That their president who was not elected democratically*, was stockpiling weapons in preparation for an invasion of their county. All of that was true so why weren’t weapons inspectors sent to America?

In the end this sorry state of affairs has resulted in the end of one hateful oppressive regime, lets hope with the American presidential election coming up another one can be toppled.

George W. Bush represents might is right not might for right.

* Whatever you believe about what happened in Florida there is no denying that Al Gore received 539,898 more votes than George W. Bush in the election but only because the American “democracy” doesn’t believe in 1 person 1 vote Bush was elected. Honestly tell me that if you heard this weird system happening in some other country you wouldn’t be thinking that the UN would be going in to demand a recount.

Continuing our theme of America this week I feel it’s time to look at one of the most delicate subjects around “Freedom”.

Freedom is one of those things that seems completely simple until you try and explain it. But fear not because here’s a really handy way of explaining it that actually works.

You see the problem is that freedom in a society can’t mean the freedom to do whatever you want. That wouldn’t make any sense. Because if it meant I was free to do anything I could decide to go and blow somebody’s head off (with a gun or just by blowing – you see when you can do anything things can start to get silly). But here’s the problem what about that guy’s right to breathe? Well you could argue that you don’t care about him. But what about your right to breathe?

In the end you’re left with a nice simple workable system. We should be free to do anything as long as it doesn’t impinge on somebody else’s freedom. So freedom of speech should be supported for example as saying something about someone in a way that doesn’t impinge on their right to reply.

But the problem is the grey areas. And this is where a lot of the problems lie. We know the old rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But we also know that this isn’t really true. What if, to take the last example, someone was to say so many hurtful things to someone else that the other person is then unable to function because they are so depressed. Then does it impinge on their freedom? What about celebrities being linked to illegal acts? Have their rights been impinged? Of course they have.

The thing is that, as they say, the devil is in the detail. It’s a perfectly good theory. But it becomes very complicated once real life gets in the way.

You know I think I’ll wait until tomorrow before I tackle the kind of freedom that America wants to impose on Iraq.

This last week there has been a lot of discussion about America and its place in the world. And one of the things that strikes me in relations to this is that a fair few British people hate America. In fact it’s a group of people Britons seem to be allowed to hate with a certain amount of impunity.

The amount of American culture in Britain is huge. The problem is that the British are drawn to its most base and stupid output. We love watching programs where Americans are stupid. Britain behaves, in lots of ways, like the critical parent.

It’s like we’re saying “Oh forget about Arthur Miller, Norman Mailer, Woody Allen, Tom Wolfe, Thomas Edison etc. You think you’re so smart with your multichannel television and nuclear technology. We don’t care about that America. When you come home we expect you to not swear, to stand up straight, and keep a clean nose.”

Britain is Americas tragically hip dad. We sit here dressed in clothes far too young for us and feel guilty about our need to be cool.

“I can’t believe that Jerry Springer”, we say while employing Trisha and Kilroy. “I can’t believe this President Bush” we say, while employing President Blair.

In the end it’s the classic Laius complex. Laius was Oedipus’ dad. We suffer from a love of America, and a deep sense of guilt about our love for America. It’s easier to hate America than to admit we hate ourselves for loving it.

So this week I think we might attempt a bit of a theme on the subject of America.

So the other day I was at home making myself some bagels. What I mean of course is that I was toasting the bagels and applying a variety of appropriate jams, jellies, butters (including peanut) and so on rather than I was actually making the bagels from scratch. While I was in the process of this I was asked by an inquisitive minded soul why it is that bagels have holes in them. At the time I made light of it saying, “well you may as well ask why do doughnuts have holes in them”. But unfortunately they replied asking me why doughnuts have holes “for that matter”.

At the time, in the back of my mind, I knew there was an answer lurking. I knew that somewhere in my mind was the answer. But I couldn’t remember it. So instead I talked about how you lay out the dough in a loop and that’s what makes the hole. But they saw through my plan. And so now, for them, and for everyone else. Here is the answer to the question. Remember, if you want the answer to a question then you can always ask me, there is a handy link on the left there.

Well first I’m going to talk about doughnuts. Mainly because they are older. In fact scientist have even found prehistoric doughnuts. And that despite knowing that it was almost certainly the Dutch who brought them to America, and that at that time there were no holes. There is no firm fix on an answer as to who actually invented the hole. But there is one prevailing story, and it’s the story of Hanson Gregory. Captain Gregory was partial to doughnuts and he liked to nibble on them while at the helm of his ship. And apparently, so the legend goes, on a dark and stormy night the waves became very fierce and so the Captain had to grab the helm with both hands. Having nowhere to hold his doughnut he places it on one of the handles of the wheel. After the storm had calmed Captain Gregory was so impressed with his invention that he ordered the ships cook to prepare them that way always. And so the doughnut with a hole was invented.

It’s complete rubbish obviously, but it is – sadly – the best story we’ve got. Now a theory that I’ve never seen written down anywhere but seems much more plausible is that the doughnut shape is based on the bagel shape. While doughnuts had been made for many more years than bagels the holes in doughnuts actually seem to appear after bagels have been invented. Bagels and doughnuts are approximately the same shape. They are both made by the same people (bakers – or at least they used to be). It seems much more plausible that somebody made a bagel shaped doughnut and the idea caught on.

So where does the bagel come from then? Well I’m glad you asked, because for this we have proof. In 1683 Jan Sobieski, the King of Poland, liberated Vienna from invading Turks. Afterwards he decided, quite rightly I suppose, to have a victory parade through the streets of the city. He was so popular that people swarmed up to his horse and tried to touch his stirrups. In fact so many people touched his stirrups that it became a culturally iconic thing. People would talk about if they managed to touch his stirrups that day. A local baker, not wanting to miss out on a trick, designed a new bun in the shape of the King’s stirrups. And that bun, distorted in shape over time, is what we now know as the bagel.