Category Archives: Jokes

An elephant and a giraffe were walking through the forest

And they were completely lost.

“I thought,” said the giraffe, “elephants were supposed to have good memories”.
“I know, I know,” said the elephant, “but then why do you think I’m hanging around with you none of the other elephants like me because of my poor memory.”

Just then the elephant saw a tortoise on a log, ran up to it and kicked it all the way across the river.

The giraffe said, “why on earth did you do that”?

“Well,” said the elephant, “26 years ago that tortoise bit me on the shin and I’ve never forgiven it”.
“Wait a minute,” said the giraffe, “I thought you were supposed to have a terrible memory but you can remember a single tortoise from 26 years ago”.
“Yeah I might have a rubbish memory usually, but I’ve got turtle recall”.

A neutron walks into a bar

And orders a drink, and leaves without paying.

One of the other customers says to the barman, “hey how come he didn’t have to pay?”

And the bartender says, “oh with him there’s no charge”.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord.
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie’s varied early jazz career, the
Blind impresario starts to play variations on an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes
the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord,
play a Jazz chord”. Despite getting a bit cross with this guy, Stevie,
being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz
improvisation with his band around the tricky B-flat minor chord and
really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu
show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A
jazz chord”. Well Stevie is really annoyed now that this little guy
doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability so he says to him from
the stage: “OK smartie pants – you get up here and do it!”
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
microphone and starts to sing:

“A jazz chord … to say … I ruv you”

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?

She was afraid someone would Caesar.

A women gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
And the man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold that monkey for you.”

I often add jokes here

To keep the mood nice and light. And that’s obviously something that people have done with jokes since they were invented. In fact there were even jokes during Hitler’s time in power in Germany. Obviously telling such jokes was a huge act of defiance in some ways, but even the authorities realised that it was important for people to let off steam.

Here are some of the jokes from that time:

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a man who isn’t saluting.
“Why aren’t you saluting like the others?” Hitler barks.
“Mein Führer, I’m the nurse,” comes the answer. “I’m not crazy!”

Hitler and Göring are standing on top of Berlin’s radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to cheer up the people of Berlin. “Why don’t you just jump?” suggests Göring.

“A senior Nazi visits a factory and asks the manager whether he still has Social Democrats among his workforce.
“Yes, 80 percent,” comes the reply.
“Do you also have members of the Catholic Center Party?” “Yes, 20 percent,” the manager responds.
“Don’t you have any National Socialists?”
“Yes we’re all Nazis now!”

“Göring has attached an arrow to the row of medals on his tunic. It reads ‘continued on the back.'”

The German army HQ receives news that Mussolini’s Italy has joined the war.
“We’ll have to put up 10 divisions to counter him!” says one general.
“No, he’s on our side,” says another.
“Oh, in that case we’ll need 20 divisions.”

“What will you do after the war?”
“I’ll finally go on a holiday and will take a trip round Greater Germany!”
“And what will you do in the afternoon?”

And what of the Jewish people who were being persecuted?

A Jewish joke from the time:
“Two Jews are about to be shot. Suddenly the order comes to hang them instead. One says to the other “You see, they’re running out of bullets.”

Two men meet. “Nice to see you’re free again. How was the concentration camp?”
“Great! Breakfast in bed, a choice of coffee or chocolate, and for lunch we got soup, meat and dessert. And we played games in the afternoon before getting coffee and cakes. Then a little snooze and we watched movies after dinner.”
The man was astonished: “That’s great! I recently spoke to Meyer, who was also locked up there. He told me a different story.”
The other man nods gravely and says: “Yes, well that’s why they’ve picked him up again.”

The thing about these jokes is that it really personalises the horror of Hitler’s Germany. And also points to the idea that the German people really didn’t become brainwashed zombies. They became frightened of speaking out against their undemocratic leaders. The same thing that happened in Stalin’s Russia. “I was just following orders” is obviously never an excuse. But being able to see the human side of the opposition is always important.

All of these jokes and many more are featured in a new book called “Heil Hitler, The pig is dead”. There’s an article about it here

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says
‘Look, we’ve got loads more tobacco, I’ll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.’
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks
‘So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?’
‘Well sort of’, replies one of the guys, ‘But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.’
‘Ahh’ replies the doctor, ‘And what did you put in it?’
‘Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.’
The doctor sighs. ‘Well that explains it.’
‘Why, what’s wrong with our friend?’ asks one of the men.
‘He’s in a korma’ replies the doctor.

What’s the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking out on stage.

If you don’t get this then try this.

The chicken and the horse were the best of friends

And one day while out walking in the farm the horse fell into a pit of quicksand.

The chicken was frightened but thought quickly and ran to get the farmers BMW which was sitting there with the keys in the ignition. He attached a rope to the back of it and drove it over to the pit of quicksand. And the horse grabbed hold of it and the car pulled the horse to safety.

A few days later the horse was woken from his sleep by a few plaintive cries. He got out of bed and saw to his horror that the chicken was drowning in the same self quicksand. He looked over to the farmhouse and suddenly realised that tonight was the night the farmer always drove into town for his rotary meeting. And seeing no rope anywhere he did the only thing he could and stood over the top of the quicksand and lowered his body down and said to the chicken, “grab hold of my dick and we’ll get you out of here”. And the chicken was able to grab hold of his penis and was hauled to safety.

And what’s the moral of the story? If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.