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Continuing the theme of the week of the UK’s relationship with America. I thought I’d talk today about freedom as it’s being imposed on Iraq.

An interesting paradox this which is going to be interesting to watch. Values are not absolute. And while we would like to think we know what is and isn’t acceptable the variety is actually quite staggering. IN the UK it seems almost impossible that the death penalty will ever come back however in America it is a completely different situation.

How does the international community decide which set of values to impose? Of course it doesn’t. It gives the people democracy and then sits back and waits for democracy to work its magic.

The question is how are a set of people who have been oppressed for years and therefore have a values system that appears to be completely out of whack with my western culture supposed to make the decisions that America wants them to make?

What if the Iraqi people democratically elect a leader who hates America and wants to build Nuclear weapons so that America thinks twice before wondering in to their country again?

Could America justify going in and stopping them? Well they couldn’t claim they were freeing a people from oppression. Except I suppose themselves.

I always expected a move prior to the conflict in Iraq which never materialised. Why didn’t Iraq demand weapons inspectors go into America?

It would have been quite easy to convince the UN that Iraq believed it was under threat from America. That their president who was not elected democratically*, was stockpiling weapons in preparation for an invasion of their county. All of that was true so why weren’t weapons inspectors sent to America?

In the end this sorry state of affairs has resulted in the end of one hateful oppressive regime, lets hope with the American presidential election coming up another one can be toppled.

George W. Bush represents might is right not might for right.

* Whatever you believe about what happened in Florida there is no denying that Al Gore received 539,898 more votes than George W. Bush in the election but only because the American “democracy” doesn’t believe in 1 person 1 vote Bush was elected. Honestly tell me that if you heard this weird system happening in some other country you wouldn’t be thinking that the UN would be going in to demand a recount.

Continuing our theme of America this week I feel it’s time to look at one of the most delicate subjects around “Freedom”.

Freedom is one of those things that seems completely simple until you try and explain it. But fear not because here’s a really handy way of explaining it that actually works.

You see the problem is that freedom in a society can’t mean the freedom to do whatever you want. That wouldn’t make any sense. Because if it meant I was free to do anything I could decide to go and blow somebody’s head off (with a gun or just by blowing – you see when you can do anything things can start to get silly). But here’s the problem what about that guy’s right to breathe? Well you could argue that you don’t care about him. But what about your right to breathe?

In the end you’re left with a nice simple workable system. We should be free to do anything as long as it doesn’t impinge on somebody else’s freedom. So freedom of speech should be supported for example as saying something about someone in a way that doesn’t impinge on their right to reply.

But the problem is the grey areas. And this is where a lot of the problems lie. We know the old rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But we also know that this isn’t really true. What if, to take the last example, someone was to say so many hurtful things to someone else that the other person is then unable to function because they are so depressed. Then does it impinge on their freedom? What about celebrities being linked to illegal acts? Have their rights been impinged? Of course they have.

The thing is that, as they say, the devil is in the detail. It’s a perfectly good theory. But it becomes very complicated once real life gets in the way.

You know I think I’ll wait until tomorrow before I tackle the kind of freedom that America wants to impose on Iraq.

This last week there has been a lot of discussion about America and its place in the world. And one of the things that strikes me in relations to this is that a fair few British people hate America. In fact it’s a group of people Britons seem to be allowed to hate with a certain amount of impunity.

The amount of American culture in Britain is huge. The problem is that the British are drawn to its most base and stupid output. We love watching programs where Americans are stupid. Britain behaves, in lots of ways, like the critical parent.

It’s like we’re saying “Oh forget about Arthur Miller, Norman Mailer, Woody Allen, Tom Wolfe, Thomas Edison etc. You think you’re so smart with your multichannel television and nuclear technology. We don’t care about that America. When you come home we expect you to not swear, to stand up straight, and keep a clean nose.”

Britain is Americas tragically hip dad. We sit here dressed in clothes far too young for us and feel guilty about our need to be cool.

“I can’t believe that Jerry Springer”, we say while employing Trisha and Kilroy. “I can’t believe this President Bush” we say, while employing President Blair.

In the end it’s the classic Laius complex. Laius was Oedipus’ dad. We suffer from a love of America, and a deep sense of guilt about our love for America. It’s easier to hate America than to admit we hate ourselves for loving it.

So this week I think we might attempt a bit of a theme on the subject of America.

So the other day I was at home making myself some bagels. What I mean of course is that I was toasting the bagels and applying a variety of appropriate jams, jellies, butters (including peanut) and so on rather than I was actually making the bagels from scratch. While I was in the process of this I was asked by an inquisitive minded soul why it is that bagels have holes in them. At the time I made light of it saying, “well you may as well ask why do doughnuts have holes in them”. But unfortunately they replied asking me why doughnuts have holes “for that matter”.

At the time, in the back of my mind, I knew there was an answer lurking. I knew that somewhere in my mind was the answer. But I couldn’t remember it. So instead I talked about how you lay out the dough in a loop and that’s what makes the hole. But they saw through my plan. And so now, for them, and for everyone else. Here is the answer to the question. Remember, if you want the answer to a question then you can always ask me, there is a handy link on the left there.

Well first I’m going to talk about doughnuts. Mainly because they are older. In fact scientist have even found prehistoric doughnuts. And that despite knowing that it was almost certainly the Dutch who brought them to America, and that at that time there were no holes. There is no firm fix on an answer as to who actually invented the hole. But there is one prevailing story, and it’s the story of Hanson Gregory. Captain Gregory was partial to doughnuts and he liked to nibble on them while at the helm of his ship. And apparently, so the legend goes, on a dark and stormy night the waves became very fierce and so the Captain had to grab the helm with both hands. Having nowhere to hold his doughnut he places it on one of the handles of the wheel. After the storm had calmed Captain Gregory was so impressed with his invention that he ordered the ships cook to prepare them that way always. And so the doughnut with a hole was invented.

It’s complete rubbish obviously, but it is – sadly – the best story we’ve got. Now a theory that I’ve never seen written down anywhere but seems much more plausible is that the doughnut shape is based on the bagel shape. While doughnuts had been made for many more years than bagels the holes in doughnuts actually seem to appear after bagels have been invented. Bagels and doughnuts are approximately the same shape. They are both made by the same people (bakers – or at least they used to be). It seems much more plausible that somebody made a bagel shaped doughnut and the idea caught on.

So where does the bagel come from then? Well I’m glad you asked, because for this we have proof. In 1683 Jan Sobieski, the King of Poland, liberated Vienna from invading Turks. Afterwards he decided, quite rightly I suppose, to have a victory parade through the streets of the city. He was so popular that people swarmed up to his horse and tried to touch his stirrups. In fact so many people touched his stirrups that it became a culturally iconic thing. People would talk about if they managed to touch his stirrups that day. A local baker, not wanting to miss out on a trick, designed a new bun in the shape of the King’s stirrups. And that bun, distorted in shape over time, is what we now know as the bagel.

Some of you may know that these articles are all written in advance. At least I think I mentioned it in a previous article. It’s generally about a week ahead. The main aim of this is so that I don’t suffer any publishing mishaps and therefore fail to publish anything on a particular day. Well clearly it hasn’t quite worked as from time to time an article fails to appear for a day. But they always turn up eventually.

For some reason the day I’m most usually late on is Monday. I’m not exactly sure why this is but a team of miniature Sherpas are currently planning an expedition into my brain. At least that’s what it feels like. I’m sick and not in a “man-‘flu” kind of way either. Of course I would say that wouldn’t I.

Anyway the reason I mention the articles being written is because I noticed something very weird about an article that I wrote around a week ago. Which in fact is yesterday’s article Bob… Great Sir.. Clearly I was beginning to go down with this thing then because one of the characters mentions briefly, and never refers to it again, that he has a head-cold. The subconscious is an odd thing.

Anyway the reason I mention my illness is not to try and garner sympathy. But simply to try and help direct some of the science research into colds and ‘flu. I think it’s possible that these two viruses are desperately trying to turn us into crocodiles.

No? You don’t believe me? First it makes you not want to eat very often. Also it turns you a rather interesting shade of green. Your eyes and nostrils start leaking big sloppy crocodile tears. And here’s the clincher, you become completely cold blooded. Whatever the temperature of the room you react to it immediately when you’re sick.

You start off being cold so you pile on another blanket. Then you’re burning up. The answer is that whil;e it seems like our bodies just can’t decide what they want, in reality we’re just unable to regulate for ourselves. Suddenly we have to consciously estimate how many blankets equals 28 degrees C. It’s something we don’t usually do. Which is why we’re so rubbish at it.

Anyway so I’m pretty sure it’s making us cold blooded. But perhaps it’s not a crocodile.

So what do we have, cold-blooded, sits around moping, eats lots of toast. Hmmm? If one of you says “men” I’ll be very upset.

Note: I thought this would be better than “Alex Andronov is Away”.

The other day I was, strangely enough, required to stand in Wembley Park train station for about 15 minutes.

Now on this particular day the popular beat combo Blue happened to be playing at the stadium. While I was standing in the station a number of fans passed through the ticket barriers., And right outside the station they were being exposed to the raw capitalist market at work.

There were four people selling whistles and luminous dummies. Now clearly there were two groups of two sellers and these two groups were competing with each other.

They both had the same types of whistles for sale for £1. But the dummies were a different situation. One had all the dummies hanging off of his arm flashing away and was selling them for 31. But the other group had them in their original “hygienic” packaging. These dummies were for sale at £2.

The question I had was twofold. 1) would the more hygienic dummy be worth the extra £1 – Answer: No, they reduced their price pretty swiftly. 2) Would their patter about hygiene harm sales of the whistles. Neither group were selling whistles in packaging despite also having to put them in your mouth – Answer: No – Clearly None of these people cared about hygiene at all.

Moreover I was struck by this point. How many of the customers cared about the music if they were happy to make their own noise the whole way through?

Now that France have made their exit from the Rugby World Cup I can exclusively rehash the story of Diomede.

Now I don’t read the sports pages of the newspapers but I realise that some of my readers might so I would like to apologise in advance if you were already aware of this sad, and tragic, story.

Diomede is a coq. And this is not a pejorative statement. It’s not that I don’t like him, quite the opposite in fact he seems rather nice, it is in fact that he is a male chicken. In fact Diomede was the French Rugby team’s mascot.

While the team would practice he would run up and down like a poultry line man. He enjoyed the teams successes and he commiserated during the teams failures.

In fact Diomede was more than just a mascot to the teams he was, in some circles, considered to be the teams secret weapon. It worked this way; whenever the team practiced the team member who did the least well would be assigned, by the coach, to chicken cleaning duty.

But within their cunning plan lay their undoing. Diomede became depressed. The only time people would come to see him was to clean him, and when they came they were always upset with themselves – and yes, Diomede too. Their own failure made Diomede feel like a failure.

Now luckily one of the French team was a farm hand and had noticed Diomede’s upset. He reported it immediately to the vet who prescribed lots of rest and a return to the wild. The French player wouldn’t go. So Diomede did instead. With Diomede retired there was a lack of consequence for bad performance in team practice, and this may have directly affected the French teams performance in the World Cup.

But there is another aspect to the story which has the French supporters suggesting, you guessed it, fowl play. When the French team travelled to Australia they were not allowed to take their usual mascot with them for health reasons. Diomede was an Australian coq. And there is rumour that he threw his game.

“Life is hell, most people are bastards and everything is bullshit.” So said George Black, father of Conrad Black (Lord Black of Crossharbour – the greatest gothic name for a Lord ever – currently just about proprietor of the Daily Telegraph), right before he had a seizure and fell through a balustrade and down some stairs.

It’s a story that may well be mentioned a few time this week, as Lord Black suffers from a few “problems”. This leads me to the subject of famous last words. Some people do them and some people don’t. And it’s not just a function of how you die.

The thing about famous last words is this. Most really famous people die young. They manage to snuff it before they embarrass themselves. And generally if you die young you die unexpectedly. The unexpected death is not terrible conducive to “famous last words”. Lots of infamous last words. JFK said “That’s obvious” in response to a comment that everyone in Dallas love him. Saying “that’s obvious” while somebody shoots you is not generally regarded as smart. Although in reality it’s more unlucky than stupid.

There have been lots of good ones through the years. Loads of them. But imagine the situation. You’re dying. You know you’re dying. Do you keep saying the phrase you’ve settled on every time you feel a bit faint?

Imagine saying something great, then going “you know what? I’m feeling a lot better.” Just before you snuff it. You would be so embarrassed.

There is one famous last phrase that particularly appeals to me even though I’m not sure about the sentiment. Although I certainly am if he was talking about it’s modern form. I shall leave you with it.

Nurse: (Adjusting the pillows) Is there anything still troubling you?
Patient: Yes, country music.

I’ve always been interested in the fact that gay people are not allowed in the military. Now here, and in this context, I am referring by “gay” to homosexual people*, rather than happy and bright people.** Although it would appear that the Army does have a specific problem with happy people. In the end, almost universally , most people who join the army seem to become quite boring. Just look at Iain Duncan Smith***

The thing is that it wasn’t always like this. Whereas we assume that gay rights are something that have arrived recently in fact they have merely been restored recently. Most of the blame for the destruction of gay rights stems pretty squarely from Victorian Britain.

In fact by barring gays from the military the army have routinely missed one of the greatest tactical advantages available to them since ancient times. IN fact it has recently been restored by allowing women back into the army. A prejudice that has been running even longer.

One of the first professional armies on record had had a tactical brainwave so striking that you really wonder why it isn’t available today.

All of the men in the Thebans’ “Sacred Band”, their professional army and therefore their best troops, were gay. All of them. And there were always an even number of troops because, you guessed it, the sacred band was made up of couples.

The theory went that while it was considered an incredibly shameful thing to desert your army it would be even worse to desert your lover. And also, you can imagine, it would make you fight a lot harder if it could save your lovers life.

The Thebans’ Sacred Band were the first army to beat the Spartans. At which point the Spartans huge go began to fail a little bit. Which just goes to show what a general can do when he thinks laterally a little bit.

I just wonder why nobody is doing this today?

* One of my great aunts once told me at a party how much she hated gay people. Why, I asked, did she hate them so? She replied that it was because she could no longer use the word “gay” the way she had as a child. It upset her deeply and was something she felt very strongly was their fault.

** This is not to say that being homosexual is mutually exclusive of being happy and bright. In fact you can do both at the same time.

*** Iain Duncan Smith is the former leader of Britain’s conservative party. He was universally considered dull and humourless. The only exciting thing was his attempt to emulate Franklin Delanos Roosevelt by naming himself IDS.

We need a new word. It’s always a disaster when this happens because unless carefully planned the wrong one can be adopted with catastrophic effects.

The problem is with celebrities. There are two clear types. There are the people who are famous for being famous and there are the people who are famous for too many things. The Stephen Frys of this world, the Woody Allens. Now Mr Allen can be quickly defined elsewhere as he is an auteur. But with the others there is a problem. Most of them come from the world of comedy but… is Stephen Fry simply a comedian? He’s an Actor, Author, Director, writer (of scripts not just novels), comedian and general good egg. Now normally this question doesn’t come up but if “God” forbid something tragic were to happen. What would they announce? Can they get all of that in the headline? It’s not like the normal people where they say “the greatly respected actor Richard Harris died yesterday”. This is something different.

You see “celebrity” would work rather nicely in many way. Except for the fact that it sounds so cheap now.

There is one other possibility of course. Perhaps these people have received, through hard work and diligence, the biggest accolade of all, the unannounced name. Even her Royal Highness doesn’t get that. It will still be “Queen Elizabeth II has died”.

Her job description “the Queen” is right there in the announcement. She doesn’t have much hope of her death being announced any other way.

Although this does give me an idea, perhaps they will go with, “the well respected queen Stephen Fry”?