Monthly Archives: January 2007

New cash for honours scandal brewing

I was trying to buy a packet of crisps* the other day, and in my change my shopkeeper gave me a Victoria Cross!

* Lake Geneva flavour obviously.


Becoming trapped within some pastry and covered in cream.


This is part two of last weeks story: Left out in the cold.

Despite all of the protection, the cold crept quickly around his skin. The hairs all over his body stood to attention faster than a lieutenant who has dropped his rifle in front of his drill sergeant. Ah, what a simply sublime simile, he thought to himself as the cold air cupped his balls and forced him into action.

He stepped forward and heard nothing, his ear defenders stopped any noise. He would have crunched through the snow, but instead he merely walked.

He looked down at the snow for clues, he had hoped to follow the footprints but it was snowing now and it was so bad he couldn’t even see his own feet.

What was he doing out here? He could die. If he couldn’t see his feet then he might not even be able to get back into‚Ķ

He turned around and all he could see was the door he had just come out of, it was ajar. He hadn’t left it open. He was sure he’d closed it. Just then the door closed from the inside. He ran towards it. But he knew, he knew even though he hadn’t heard it. He knew it would be locked.

Tune in next week for the final part.

If you have…

a green ball in one hand, and a green ball in the other hand. What do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

Do only smarties have the answer?

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he suddenly revealed slightly too much information about himself. When he was a boy, and even to this day, he’s never liked smarties. He’s always found them to be horrible because of the strange mix between chocolate and shell. So far so perfectly reasonable except for the fact that he does like Minstrels which are basically the same thing.

Anyway he then went on to ask if we remembered the fuss about the blue smarties. The blue smarties were all the rage at one point and every cool kid had to have them. My friend was faced with a dilemma; he wanted to look cool and he wanted to not have to eat smarties. So he decided to eat smarties anyway but just swallow them whole like they were pills. Genius or crazy? There’s a very thin line.

Anyway this discussion led us to that old inevitable debate about whether orange smarties actually taste of orange or not. I believe that they do. But others did not. Some even went for an interesting compromise suggesting that it was in people’s minds and that a blind taste test would prove that people can’t taste the difference.

Well according to Nestle themselves they do put an orange taste into the orange smarties. And I believe them. I mean Nestle have never lied to us before.

[A note just for Nick. If Johnny Rocketpants turns up after this then it will be very funny.]

Smooth as Silk

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?”
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: “Love to fly and it shows?”
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

“Damn, she doesn’t work for Delta.”
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?”
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: “Smooth as Silk.”
This time the woman turned on him “What the Fuck do you want?”
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said “Ahhhhh, Ryanair!!!

Captcha 22

Captchas are things that are easy for humans to do but hard for machines to do (I wrote a post about this for that google image matching thing: [Harnessing People’s Boredom]).

The most common usage are those numbers and letters that are a bit squiggly which you have to type in to add a comment to a blog. They are obviously there to stop spammers from adding spam to your blog. A lot of very serious technology people have worked on making these reasonably easy for you to read but impossible for the spam software.

But the other place you see a captcha is when you get spam these days. A lot of spam at the moment have those pictures in them which say that you should by such and such a stock. And the way they get round your spam filter is that they are using a captcha to stop the spam filter from recognising the words in the image that they are sending you.

Talk about ironic.*

*But is it ironic though? I say YES!

NEW – Lake Geneva Crisps

New from Gamboling: Lake Geneva Crisps – for when you want crisps that taste exactly like that lake you know and love*

*May not actually taste like a lake or like crisps.


An automobile belonging to your father’s brother.

Left out in the cold

The boys were out again, Edward could feel it. Perhaps it was because it was just a little bit too quiet. Or maybe it was the way the boys who were indoors were looking at him – as though they all had a guilty secret they couldn’t say about, but that they desperately wanted him to discover. What ever it was the boys were outside again.

Edward understood the attraction of it. Of being out of bounds. When he had been a boy it had been smoking they had all wanted to do. And in those wonderful summer days hiding in bushes, running through meadows and accidentally setting fire to Colin (an eminently combustible child) the teachers were always after them.

But now it was different. The world was cold. Everyone knew that. The ground had been frozen solid ever since scientists had tried to reverse global warning in the early twenties. Well they had succeeded in their own way but only by creating global freezing. And now it was minus seventy in the summer. And nobody even went outside anymore. Nobody who valued their extremities anyway.

So why were these boys doing it? Why were they going out? Edward know there was only one solution. He’d have to follow them outside.