Monthly Archives: June 2006

He lit the cigarette that he found behind his brother’s ear.

He lit the cigarette that he found behind his brother’s ear.

It was difficult to concentrate with all of the noise going on but he tried. He tried to concentrate on the stuff he needed to concentrate on but in the end he needed to – first and foremost – concentrate on trying to keep this cigarette from canoeing as he drove down the road at something like 90.

Then just when the nicotine had made things start to seem clearer. John shouted really loudly and he dropped the fag.

It didn’t go out of the window.

Where it did go was right into the hole which the seatbelt comes out of. This seemed to be something of a problem.

John was still shouting, and for a while he was shouting about the usual John things that John usually shouted about but then after a while he was mainly shouting about the way that smoke was pouring out of the drivers door frame.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Apparently it was driving down the road and it turned into a field.

The wrong kind of rain

Finally in Britain we’re getting the kind of weather that makes us feel like we deserve the drought orders that we’ve been having. It always feels to me a particularly un-British thing that we aren’t able to collect rain properly. I mean – rain? Rain is kind of what we’re famous for!

But actually we’re famous for invention too and so in many ways we’ve been hoisted by our own petards.* (To see how the umbrella was invented: See
Who invented the cocktail umbrella?

The thing is that we don’t keep very much of the water that we do collect. Most of it seems to leak away because we were so early with the invention of pipes and water systems these water systems are now starting to look a bit worse for wear.

The worst news is that while we’ve had the driest winter for a million years (or thereabouts) we’ve also had one of the wettest springs. The reason that this doesn’t work out for us is that by the time all of the rain showed up the trees and plants were already in full flow and so they’ve been taking all of our water.

What this tends to mean is that the trees and plants will end up doing really well this year, which in turn will mean that there will be more food for the vegetarian animals which in turn means there will be more food for the carnivore (and omnivore animals) which means that more animals will drink more water which means there will be even less for us.

The only problem is that we’ve detached ourselves from the regular food chain, so the fact that there would be a bumper amount of animals this year which should yield us with more water (meat contains water, and the more bounteous the meat the easier it is to kill therefore using less water) doesn’t get to affect us.

The whole meat and vegetable production has been taken out of the normal food chain by farming. But water supply is something that we’re still susceptible to. We can always make more animals and plant if we put our mind to it – we believe – because all you need to do is replicate a food chain. The one problem is that there is only one thing that you can’t avoid. Water. You need water every step of the way and we can’t replicate that.

* By the way Petards** are bombs. So being hoisted by your own petard is to be thrown by your own bomb***

** It is also French for farts.

*** It’s from Hamlet – Poor Yorick****

**** I knew – Ed*****

***** I thought your name was Horatio – Ed Harris

Have you ever shoed a horse?

No but I have told a pig to fuck off.

World peace? Pah!

If you’ve ever wondered what we need to do if we want world peace then look no further I have the solution!

I think all we need to do is get the European Union in on this whole thing. We’re always being told that they make crazy laws that affect our very existence and this is one of those situations where a crazy law might be exactly what we need.

What we need to do is marry off all of the European royal families to those in the royal families in the middle east thus creating a bond which protects us from war.

We need to literally go medieval on the royals and make them marry the ruling class of the countries around the world that we have problems with right now. That’s what always used to happen in the old days so why not now?

People are always complaining that the royal family doesn’t do anything. So why not this?

Okay I can hear what you’re saying what about the way that the European royals seem to be dying out at a rate of knots and there are so many far east dynasties it’s a wonder anyone can keep track of what’s going on. But I have a solution for that too. All we need to do is get Prince Harry to marry every single on of the royal princesses out there. Because according to the Muslim faith many wives are acceptable as a premise. So why not get him to marry as many as there are and we’ll see if we can get some traction on those peace talks.

It’s got to be worth a shot!

Phrases I’ve liked to use recently…

“I gained laitude through platitude”


“Eating your fruit by the light of the silvery spoon”.