So I’ve been trying to think of some way to encourage the uptake on my calendar idea (see previous article for details: click here). I think modern way to get things accepted is to hire some kind of celebrity to help me advertise. My first thought, was to go for somebody from the world of pop. That way I’d be able to get my calendar idea to appear more light and fluffy instead of all stuffy. Maybe, I thought, they could create a song which extolled the virtues of the calendar through the popular medium of song.
Well it was worth a shot. But who would it be? Britney, Beyonce, Christina? All of them seem a little “flash in the pan”. What we need is some kind of star quality that’s in for the long haul. Madonna! That’s it. She’ll be perfect. Especially when it comes to convincing the Catholic church, well Madonna worked for them last time. “Hey everyone we’ve got this new calendar, it’s really good, it’s an awful lot like the Roman one, but don’t worry about that. We’ve looked into it and it’s really great. Oh and by the way, if you don’t believe us Madonna will be appearing soon and she’ll whack a few stigmata on you for your troubles.”
Anyway I think if I can get Madonna to get a private audience with the pope this week I might be in with a chance. It would seem that the current Pope has gone completely mad. At least that’s what I thought. He’s has named more saints in his reign as Pope than all the other Popes combined. This, I thought, was probably just a sign of his own dementia and whatnot. But the other day I suddenly realised what it probably was. In the last 1000 years there have been 124 popes (and 23 anti-popes*) but only 5 of them have been made Saints. He’s trying to get himself canonised.
He probably got the idea from Margaret Thatcher, no I’m not kidding. By the time Thatcher came to the throne it was generally considered unacceptable to create hereditary peerages. But she wanted one. She wanted it bad. So she made Harold Macmillan a earldom. He became Lord Stockton (the title is now held by his grandson). Which meant that when she retired it was more acceptable for her to be offered a hereditary title of her own. Which she was. Now that Dennis has died you may be surprised to learn that Mark “what I was just wondering out here in the desert? No those aren’t arms behind my back – well they are arms but you know, not weapons” Thatcher is now Hon Sir Mark Thatcher, Bt.
So that’s what the pope is up to I reckon. He’s out for the sainthood. He’s practicing his card tricks right now. Surely if he can get a good one in, in front of one of the more doddery cardinals he’ll believe it was a miracle? Surely. Anyway so this is my big chance. If he thinks his legacy is going to be assured by being one of the millions of Saints he’s created then he’s going to be sorely disappointed. If he wants a new legacy he needs to get all the Catholics to sign up to my new calendar.
So that’s it I’m strapping a halo to Madonna as we speak, and I’ll be parachuting her in the first chance I get.
*Antipopes don’t come before the pope (like antipasta) but they are like pasta made out of plastic.