I walk into the living room clutching a clutch of eggs in my hand.

I’m going to teach my grandmother to suck eggs. Now, I know what you’re going to say. The whole point is that this is something that you’re not supposed to do. But surely the only reason you’re not supposed to teach them this is because she’s supposed to know how to do it already. My grandmother doesn’t, at least… I don’t think she does.

Apparently albumen is good for arthritis. Now I don’t think she necessarily has this. She says her legs feel like balloons. But this sounds more like something soft than the kind of feeling you would normally associate with arthritis. Anyway they also say that the Albumen is good for keeping your dentures clean. My grandmother does have dentures. And she also has toothpaste problems. In fact this might explain them. (See past article for details: here)

I walk into the living room clutching a clutch of eggs in my hand.
“Grandma,” I say in a proud and happy voice, “I am about to teach you how to suck eggs.”

She sits there in a sort of stunned silence.

“What you do is make two tiny holes.” At this point I should mention that I have carefully placed all but one of the eggs on a side table. All of these eggs have rolled to their doom. I ignore them and continue. “You should make sure that the holes are far enough apart and then carefully apply one hole to your mouth leaving the other hole free to the open air. Then purse your lips and suck.”

My grandmother kindly asked “what are you trying to do kill me?”
“What?” I enquired.
“I’m diabetic. I can’t go about eating eggs, It would be the end for me for sure. And have you even considered Salmonella?”

I am sorry to say that I had not.

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