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It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, PeggySue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, PeggySue’s mother answers and invites him in.

“PeggySue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says. That’s cool. PeggySue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go for a drink or to movies.

PeggySue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says “Wha…aaat?”

“Yeah,” says PeggySue’s mother, “We know PeggySue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, PeggySue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good Evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled PeggySue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my bottom.

Doctor: Oh, would you like some cream for that?

Tinsilitus

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

And somebody says to him what are you here as?
So he says, “I’m here as a premature ejaculation.”
What? Says the person. I don’t get it.
So the guy says, “Sorry, I’ve just come in my pants”.

Once upon a time, due to drugs* Nancy Regan sat upon Mr T.’s knee and spoke about how much they loved one another…

*Due to Nancy Regan preaching against drugs I pity the fool that suggests otherwise!

I drink Nespresso coffee,
I find it to be good,
But now I find it’s made by Nestle,
I wonder if I should.

That baby milk to Africa,
That was pretty bad,
But now no-one mentions it,
Perhaps it was a fad.

So now I’m using baby milk,
To make my coffee white,
This might be morally dubious,
but I think it tastes alright.

The Bartender says, “Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The man replies, “I don’t know but its driving me nuts”.

Bill, who’s sick of his nagging wife goes down to pub to meet with his mates for a couple of pints. After a while, one of his pals says, “What’s up Bill, – you look a bit down, mate”.

Bill explains that his wife has been giving him a real hard time lately – he hasn’t finished decorating the living room! When’s he going to get around to putting in the conservatory, decking and water feature as seen on TV? When’s he going to get up the guts to ask for a pay rise so that they can go on holiday? etc. etc. etc. Why, he said, if he knew who to ask he’d gladly pay to have her ‘disposed of’.

A bloke standing at the bar comes over and says – ‘scuse me mate – My name’s Artie – couldn’t help overhearing what you just said. You got a photo of the old bat by any chance?

Bill shows him a photo – who reacts – “Bloody hell mate – that’s one ugly woman. I’ll get rid of her for you for a quid!

Bill is so amazed that he hands over a quid and the photo just like that.

‘When and how will you do it?’ he asks Artie.
‘Tommorrow, when she goes into the supermarket.’

Sure enough, Bill goes to Tesco’s only to see Artie following his wife. In the Fruit & Veg section, Artie pounces and grabs Mrs Bill round the throat – only to be interrupted by a shelf stacker. Artie promptly throttles him. He catches up with Bill’s missus by the dairy produce and grabs her again by the throat. This time the Manager steps in. Artie throttles him too. He again catches up with the old bag and this time strangles her by the frozen foods and runs out of the supermarket.

The next day, in the local paper was the headline:
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND IN TESCO’S!