Category Archives: Jokes

Why shouldn’t the chicken cross the road?

Because it would be a fowl proceeding.

A man sees a farmer walking a pig

And notices that the animal has a wooden leg. Curious, he asks the farmer how the pig lost its limb. “Well,” says the farmer, “one night the wife and me were asleep when the pig spotted the house was on fire. It broke down the door, ran up the stairs and dragged me to safety. Then it went back in and carried out my wife. Then it went in a third time and rescued my four children. We’d all be dead if it weren’t for this pig.”
“So did the pig get its leg burned in the fire?” asks the man.
“Oh, no,” says the farmer. “But when you’ve got a pig like this, you don’t eat it all at once.”

Two hydrogen atoms are talking

One says, “I think I’ve lost and electron.”
The other asks, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

A traffic policeman stops a speeding car

And is surprised to discover six live penguins in the boot. “Yes, Officer – I’m in a terrible state. I won these penguins in a raffle and I don’t know what to do with them.” Replies the policeman, “If I were you, I’d take them to the zoo.”

The following day, the policeman notices the same car and flags it down again. The six penguins are still huddled in the boot, but now they’re wearing sunglasses. “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo,” says the policeman.

“Yes, you did – and they enjoyed it so much I’m taking them to the seaside today.”

Two muffins are in the toaster

The first muffin says, “Boy it’s hot in here.”

The second muffin says, “I don’t believe it! A talking muffin!”

Why do cats have small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

A Woody Allen Quote I hadn’t heard before:

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “

“No, because he’s really heavy”