Fauxbituary #2 – Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg

Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg
1943 – 2012

Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg, entrepreneur, died yesterday. With his campaigning mantra, “the rich deserve a break”, Sir Bernard was a polarising figure on the international business scene. From humble beginnings, Sir Bernard was born in Club Class on a flight to Monaco for the Grand Prix, a fact that he fought to keep secret for more than twenty years, before then admitting the truth in his Autobiography, “Why I’m rich, and you’re not”. From the book: “For years I wanted to hide that I hadn’t been born in First Class on this flight, but then I began to realise that the reason I was wealthy was the same as my father’s, I made everyone who wasn’t me slum it in the back”.

Sir Bernard was known for many years to have been a campaigner for rights for the rich. In perhaps his most controversial suggestion, in a speech at the Lord Mayor’s banquet, he advocated the reintroduction of child chimney sweeps, claiming that they added, “a certain ambiance that was lacking these days, and also it was useful to have them around the house as their small arms made stuffing the swans with smaller birds much easier”.

Sir Bernard died yesterday, after a long illness of the brain, surrounded by his money.

Sir Bernard Catchpole Worthingtonberg is survived.

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