Go to bed

“Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
Why do people say this? Does it make any sense to you? Really…

…no, it doesn’t, does it? First of all, why would you want to sleep tight? That sounds awful. Sleeping loose is clearly the first requirement of a good night’s sleep. You can almost imagine this person sending you to bed by saying, “sleep tight and don’t forget to grind your teeth”.

No sleeping loose is right at the top of my bedtime agenda. So that’s at least 50% of this phrase that plain doesn’t work.

Let’s look at the other half. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Maybe this is why you’re sleeping tight? Because you are supposed to be keeping ever vigilant for these bed monsters who are coming to devour you.

Bed bugs – the actual things – don’t actually bite you.* So why lie? Is this just to scare children? I mean, if we’re going for that then we can surely do much better. We’re clearly just allowed to make up anything.

How about:

“Good night, oh just before you go to bed, just keep an eye out and let me know in the morning?”
“About what?”
“Well, when I was in your room earlier, I thought I could hear your duvet breathing. And I swear it finished making the bed itself. I was probably confused though. Let me know in the morning.”

I am sure you can do even better. Do let me know in the comments.

* Look, let’s be all non-squeamish about this – but don’t read the next footnote if you don’t like that kind of thing.**

** They eat the bits of skin you are no longer using.

3 thoughts on “Go to bed

  1. NickF1 says:

    I question your bed bug theory!Having stayed in a questionable hostel or 2 around the sunny shores of Oz (The commonwealth of, not the land of) I had the misfortune to land somewhere which was clearly infested. Aforementioned non biting bed bugs clearly decided to have a bit more than a starter and dug in to the back of my leg leaving me with a lovely memento in the morning and a big incentive to hit the road and move on!They be biters, I tell you!

  2. Alex Andronov says:

    Perhaps my point should be that if you are a responsible person sending somebody to bed is it reasonable to have not cleared the bed of bugs but send them anyway?No.So you must be sending them to bed knowing their bed is clear of bugs but scaring them anyway.

  3. kris says:

    Maybe some bed bugs bite and some bed bugs don't bite?

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