The tragedy of the self mong

I am a magpie for little phrases and verbal ticks. I don’t just store them away, I also find myself using them quite a lot. I do think that some of my conversations would be close to incomprehensible to strangers.

These little phrases and oddities are the special sauce that oils the conversation. They are half-remembered phrases that evolve into a life of their own. Perhaps you would like an example?

Katherine is quite likely to call something that is broken, “busted”. So first I picked up busted, then because I’m a tinker I would say, “that’s a bit Charlie from Busted”. Busted having been at one stage been a popular beat combo. This would be most regularly used to describe oneself so it would be, “I’m feeling a bit Charlie from Busted”. Which essentially means, “I’m feeling a bit peaky”. Then it started to get shortened to just “Charlie”. However I know somebody called Charlie. At one point when I said something about Charlie, Katherine said, “is that Charlie from busted or Charlie from your school”. Which of course means that the phrase is now “Charlie from your school.”

So hopefully you get the idea with all of that. Bearing that in mind, here are some of the other phrases that have been swirling around, coming from all sorts of places.

The tragedy of the self mong

The word mong is clearly very offensive and not a good thing. If you are unaware it refers to people who have Downs Syndrome as being mongoloid in appearance. And particularly it associates being stupid or doing stupid things with having downs syndrome. When I was at school that was the de rigeur choice of insult along with spaz of course. Not good. If it’s any help, as I was a weedy geek at school (versus the rotund geek that I am now) these words were mainly used about me rather than by me. I don’t remember using them, but I’d guess I did. With all that said, there was another thing that people did which was to put ones tongue between ones teeth and lower lip and make an “uuuurgh” noise. This was “to mong” somebody. And again it was used as an insult along the lines of “you’re an idiot”. But the worst thing you could do is make this childish face and then realise moments later, generally still while you were making the face, that the stupid one who had misunderstood the situation was you. This was the tragic self-mong as the face fell realising that this insult had backfired. Although now we realise that every mong is tragic.

Small Doggy Style

This is the moment, earlier on in the process of… well you get the idea, where the man hasn’t quite focused on the correct area and seems to be more interested in the leg for some reason. Well, I think I’ll leave that there.

Monkey Sheets

This is what you say when the bed is a bit cold when you get in. More precisely what you say when you get in to bed is, “oooh ahhh oooh ahhh ooooh ah, this bed is a bit Monkey Sheets”.

Shat on the queen

This is a phrase you can use to describe the look someone gives you when you say something which they find truly extraordinary and somewhat unsavory. For example, when I told Katherine’s mother that I didn’t take sugar on my weetabix she looked at me like I’d shat on the queen.

Columbo of Amazon

This is what Katherine accuses me of being, because I always want to buy “just one more thing”.

One thought on “The tragedy of the self mong

  1. Pete says:

    I don’t know if this is relevant but on my first date with Clara (my Girlfriend of a year this weekend – I know what your thinking “romantic” and you would be right!) on our first date I called her a d*ck Head. No one had ever called her one before and she almost went home! Luckily she stuck around long enough for me to make good of my comment – that happened yesterday.Peter

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