A modern convention

One of the more obscure social conventions of the 21st century is that friends don’t put friends on company mailing lists. It is a cardinal sin akin, in the modern age, to stabbing.

Companies have cottoned on to this and now they try and bribe people who have already been foolish enough to be caught in their web of doom to enslave others. This is still socially unacceptable but you get to replace your acquaintances with vouchers. Surely everyone knows somebody they’d like to passively aggressively de-friend and this is the ideal way. What says “I don’t value your friendship very much” better than actually letting somebody know you value it less than a five pound gift voucher for Boots that you’ll leave in the fruit bowl until it expires.

So as you can imagine I was interested to work out what was going on when I heard two women on the train and one said to the other, “I signed you up to the mailing list because that way they gave me a free facial”. I expected blows to follow so I took out my phone to call the police, but then the first woman added, “don’t worry I used your old address that way you won’t get the junk mail”.

Weirdly the second woman seemed satisfied with this arrangement. I wonder how long it will be before she realises: there is only one thing more annoying than junk mail, incorrectly addressed junk mail. You can’t contact them to fix the address because then they’ll know you’re alive but if you do nothing the junk just keeps on coming and coming – forever.

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