A man walks into a bar and says, “Ouch”, it was an iron bar.
He goes up to the bar and says, I’ll have a “wool setting”.
The bartender says, “I can’t do that, I’ll crease up.”
The man says, “is that irony?”
“No,” says the bartender, “our barmaid Alanis Morissette, handles that”.
“Yes,” says the bartender, “would you like to order a beverage?”
“No, I’m waiting for my friends the Scotsman and the Irishman.”
“Is this some kind of a joke?”
“No. But I’ll take some of these peanuts, they look like they would go with my suit.”
“Well they are complementary.”
“Is that the best you can do?”, says the man.
“Well I thought it was excellent,” say the peanuts.
“Look, can you move out of the way,” says a horse, “I’d really like a drink.
“Okay,” says the Englishman, “but why the long face.”
“Because I’m a horse”, whispers the horse.
“I can hardly hear you,” says the bartender.”
“Yes, I’m a bit horse. And I’ve got a frog in my throat.”
“Well let him out and see what he wants,” says the bartender.
The frog hops out and jumps on the bar and says, “I’m a prince, one kiss from a beautiful maiden and I will return to my true form”.
Alanis Morissette, on hearing this quickly grabs the frog and sticks it in her pocket.
“Oh, you seem a bit desperate,” whispers the horse.
“Oh no,” says Alanis, “just think of all of the money I can make from a talking frog”.
“I know, tell me about it, my mate the panda will be along in a moment, I’m only friends with him because he gets all The Cure and Kiss albums at knock down prices.”
“Oh he’s not coming here is he,” wails the barman, “with his big pauses, I hate the way he can never finish a sentence.”
“Look, I’m a member of Greenpeace,” says the frog, “and I resent you whaling in public. Also I don’t see what’s so wrong with probation, everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Probation,” whispers the horse, “did somebody mention probation – don’t tell me the eagle is coming tonight, he talks in such convoluted sentences, each of them having such long claws.”
“No, he’s not coming, the jump leads aren’t coming (in case they start something), the fonts aren’t coming (we don’t serve their type in here) and Shakespeare’s not coming – he’s bard.”, says the bardtender.
“You know who I feel sorry for,” says Alanis, “it’s the life-timers, the complete drunks who seem to always be here no matter what time of the day or night it is. Like that male rabbit.”
“Yes,” says the bartender, “the buck stops here. You might feel sorry for him, but what about my regulars when the neutron comes in? I mean with him there’s always no charge.”
“Are you sure he doesn’t have to pay,” asks the Englishman?
“Yes,” pipes up the positron, “I’m positive”.
Just as he’s saying this the dog walks in and says, “I think I’ll have some water”.
“Water, why not a proper drink, is something wrong?” says the bartender.
“Yeah, I’m feeling a bit ruff.”
“Anyway,” says the Englishman, “my friends don’t look like they’re coming. So maybe I’ll leave.”
“You can’t go without a drink,” says the barman, “why not have one for the road?”
The Englishman says, “no”, and tucks his tarmac back in his pocket and adds, “Well I would stay, but this place is a bit of a zoo.”