However real men and women smoke slowly, purposely and death defyingly.

They sit next to each other, smoking. One with slicked back hair, which obviously I can’t see because he’s wearing a jacket and I don’t have X-Ray vision. He’s also got slicked head hair too. But I know he’s got terrible back hair because he’s exactly the type. And I know he’s done something about it because he looks rich enough to and, well, he’s exactly the type to have done that too. It became big after André Agassi waxed his chest hair to make him more streamlined in the swimming pool, or whatever his porpoise was. (Porpoises don’t have to wax, they are generally naturally streamlined except for one I met called Gerald who, due to an unfortunate genetic accident, had more hair than Robin Williams).

The guy sitting next to him is smoking more quickly and less girlishly. Which is odd because generally the most girlish way to smoke a cigarette is to puff at it lots and make it go away as quickly as possible. However real men and women smoke slowly, purposely and death defyingly. But here was situation where the slow smoker was being girlish. “How so?” I hear you ask. Well, to be frank, he was holding his cigarette at an alarming height. When he wasn’t using it he was holding the cigarette above his head. In a vertical position as though the cigarette was a light bulb over his head suggesting that he had recently had a good idea. I can think of lots of good ideas but none of them involve holding burning things above flammable things.* Certainly not when the flammable thing is the hair product that is in your own hair, which is attached to your own head. The resulting situation was one that I shall remember for a long time.

* Unless of course you are trying to run an engine of some sort.

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