One turns to the other and says, “quiet in her today isn’t it”.
When one turns to the other and says, “just out of interest, are we poisonous”?
“I don’t really know,” replies the other snake, “Why”?
“I’ve just bit my tongue”.
The police are closing in so each of them decide to hide in sacks.
The police enter, and to check each sack a police office kicks the sack as he passes it.
First the policeman goes up to the redhead’s sack and kicks it and she says, “Meow”.
Then the policeman goes up to the brunette’s sack and kicks that one and she says, “Woof”.
Finally the policeman goes up to the blonde’s sack and kicks that one and she says, “Potatoes”.
“Bridal?” asks the receptionist.
“No thanks,” replies the bride, “I’ll just hang onto his shoulders”.
He worked for Special Branch.
They both claim that they are better at using computers than the other. After a bit of an argument back and forth they start fighting which immediately gets God’s attention. God decides to settle this once and for all and sets a really complicated series of tests for them both to complete. They start working away, making spreadsheets and powerpoint presentations and tons of really complicated programs are written. Suddenly out of nowhere a thunderbolt strikes and takes out the power on each computer. A tense few moments ensue where they both restart their computers. On the devils computer there are no files nothing left, but on Jesus’s they are all there.
“No fair God, that’s cheating, what did you do?” asks the Devil.
“I didn’t do anything. It’s just that Jesus saves”.
And he’s approached by a POW (Predatory Older Woman) who asks him if he’d like to go back to her place. After they are just getting comfortable in bed the woman asks the guy, “Would you be interested in a mother-daughter threesome”.
The guy is surprised but instantly agrees.
“Great,” says the woman and then calls out, “Mum he said yes!”
— This joke is by Barry Cryer who I saw performing in I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue two weeks ago.