gamboling.co.uk

Two dyslexics are in a car and one says to the other can you smell petrol?

And the other one says, “Sorry mate I can’t even smell my own name”.

came up to me at a cash point and asked me if I could check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

…are in a bar – drunk. And they see a new man walking into the bar in a sharp suit.

One of the old men turns to the other and says, “bet you can’t guess what that chap does for a living”.

The second old man says, “I think he’s a lawyer”.
The first says, “I think he’s an accountant”.

Well the two old men don’t have an answer so they carry on drinking until finally the second old man needs to go to the toilet. As he’s in there at the urinal the smartly dressed man comes in and starts taking a piss.

So the second old man says, “Excuse me old chap, pardon for interrupting but my pal and I have a bit of a bet on to see what it is that you do for a living, he thinks you’re an accountant, but I think you’re a lawyer. Whose right”.

“Well actually,” says the smartly dressed man, “I’m a Scientific Logistician”.

“What on earth is that?”

“Well says the man, let me explain it like this: Do you have a fish”

“Yes”

“Do you have it in a tank or a pond?”

“A pond”.

“Then,” said the smartly dressed man, “I deduce you have a large garden”.

“Yes I do as a matter of fact”.

“Which means you probably have a nice house. Which means you probably have a wife as you would live in a big house by yourself. Which for a man of your age means you’re probably have kids”.

“Yes I have four”.

“If you have four kids that probably means that you have a pretty good sex life. And that means that you probably don’t masturbate often.”

“In fact no I haven’t bashed the bishop in five years”.

“You see, that’s what being a Scientific Logistician is all about. Just by asking you if you have a fish I have discovered that you haven’t masturbated in five years”.

Duly impressed our old chap goes back to his table. And as soon as he arrives back the first old man asks the second if he’s found out what the chap does. And the second says, “I’m sorry he’s not a Accountant or a Lawyer, he’s a Scientific Logistician”.

“What the bally hell’s that then?”

“Well,” says the second old man, “do you have a fish”?

“No”.

“Then you’re a wanker”.

And ordered a chicken tarka.
The waiter said, “what’s a chicken tarka”?
And I said, “it’s like a chicken korma but a little ‘otter”.

On the chat show the, “Kumars at Number 42”, they had an interview with Alan Alda, and the father asked him:

“I understand you started smoking a pipe at the age of three years, was that to make you look older Alda?”

…but I think I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

Thanks to Phil Nicol who just won the if.comedies which is the new name for the Perrier award. They really do have to change that name again, the new name is rubbish.

The bartender says, “I see, the buck stops here”.

Andrew Lloyd Webber walks into a Burger King and says, “Give me two Whoppers”.
And the guy behind the counter says, “You’re good looking, and your musicals are great”.

A mouse walks into a music shop and asks the shopkeeper “Have you got a mouse organ?”
The shopkeeper replies “No”.
The mouse walks off.
The next day another mouse walks into the music shop. “Have you got a mouse organ?”

it asks.
“No,” replies the shopkeeper,

“but it’s funny you should ask as there was another mouse asking for the same thing yesterday.”
The mouse nods and says “Oh yes, that’ll be our Monica”.

…and says to the barman, “can I have one for me and one for the road”?